msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dark spilling universe It’s so funny how you look back on things and they fit into place and either make sense, or transform and have a new meaning as new information has formed a clearer picture around a thing. This song, Great Waves, I would get it stuck in my head, this week and weeks ago. “Great Big Waves...” Last night I was reflecting on Thursday’s, how this had been a series of Great Big Thursday’s - 31st of May I flew to Sydney to see Cat Power; 7th of June we took Mum to hospital as she had gotten too sick for us to be able to help her, I told her I loved her, I kissed her hand, I had looked after her, laughed with her, comforted her, she was lucid and present even though she was sick and in pain, I didn’t realize when I left her this night I’d never see her awake again; the following Thursday 14th of June was her funeral service, mostly held on this day just so I could still go to Tasmania to see concerts on the Friday and Saturday night (Blixa Bargeld on Friday, Einsturzende Neubaten on Saturday); last night, Thursday 21st of June was just.... another Thursday. Only given any meaning from the Thursday’s that had come before it. I did things, I achieved things, but it was not like the Thursday’s before and the ones to come probably won’t be that special either, except in the fact they will mark another Thursday since that particular run of Thursday’s. But I had that Great Waves song in my head last night when I fell asleep, and today when I woke u, floating around me. Finally tonight, a Friday night, which if we’re remembering times, this time last Friday I was in Hobart sitting in a churchyard drinking beer and catching up with two old lovers who are also best friends, one a lover who held my heart for years and still holds a rotten piece, the other a lover just for a night and really just so I could steal a piece of the other from him; but the Friday before - and this staggers me that it is really just so recent, as it feels like decades have passed in a way - I was in a private room in a hospital ward, with my sister in the room across from the bed which held my beautiful mother, jaundice and sedated, I think this time of night she was groaning loudly on every exhale, although she didn’t seem in pain. I think I was just hung down to her left to take my turn at a nap, and I fell asleep with a true crime show in my ear to drown out the sound, and my eyes on her chest to make sure she was still breathing. I’d been self medicating, so I did sleep. I woke up after an hour or two. Before long she passed. It was around 6:30, the sun was just coming up, although her death certificate states two hours later as it was that long before a doctor came and properly pronounced it. I was so impressed at the respect and space the staff gave to our family’s grief. I haven’t done this justice. But to tie it all in. I listened just before writing this to a recording of that show on Thursday 31st of May of Great Waves and the line that really struck me, and the thing that made me wonder about how things take on new meaning when put into a new context was “you made it till the dawn now you’re gone, you are gone.” ——-
12:17 a.m. - 2018-06-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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