msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my beautiful world i have this terrible habit of making plans with friends i don't see often, and then cancelling at the last minute. it used to be ANY plan i made, regardless of who with, i would cancel at the last minute. sometimes it's not even anxiety, i'm not really sure what it is. at the time i make the plans, i am keen - i am usually a little lonely, or more likely a little manic and feel like i could chat to someone for a long time. when the time actually draws near though, i feel i'd much rather be alone - that i have nothing to discuss, and that their presence will bore me or sadden me? scare me? not sure. - this last couple of months i think back a lot to when i was a kid, and i have very few memories of being around other children. even fewer memories of being around my family. what i remember most is swimming in the pool by myself, for hours. or watching tv, playing video games or exploring our new computer - always by myself. i had some very early sexual experiences with friends when i was very young, and those are the things i remember. but it's like at about age 9 or 10 they just drop off. getting too old for that sort of behaviour i guess, plus a good friend of mine moved away. the friendships i had after that one girl left were always somewhat fraught with anxiety - feeling that i was not good enough for them, that i had to be like them in order for them to like me. i became very unsure of who i was, and as much as i hate to admit it - the other factor that ties in here is that my parents split up. - like i said, i have very few early memories of my family and i. i remember my brothers 18th birthday party. i remember one big fight where my sister threw either a piece of silverside, or mashed potato (i can't remember which..) after which i clearly remember standing in this hallway between the downstairs bathroom and laundry, in the dark and her asking if i was ok, trying to comfort me i had so many things running through my little head, but the only thing i could spit out was "will we still go to dreamworld?" i remember really clearly the day my parents broke up, it was on a monday and it was just after my birthday. i even remember the weekend before it very clearly - i've spoken about this before, how maybe it is just memory that does this but some moments feel, even when they are happening that they are weighted. or something - you just KNOW you will remember this forever. i remember getting the bus home from school, and my mum picking me up and i got in the car. she said she had something to tell me, and i KNEW what was coming was going to be bad and change my life forever. all day i had been dreaming about this chocollo ice cream that they sold at wendy's, so i said something like "before you tell me, please can i have $2 to go and get that ice cream" i got the ice cream. she told me. i don't remember my reaction. i remember worrying about being able to get my cd's from our house, more than anything. when we saw my father at the house, while packing up our things, i hugged him and told him i loved him - not because i felt it, but because i had watched a lot of movies and i just kind of knew, that was what i was meant to do. i think that is when i started to cry, but it was more out of confusion possibly confusion over the fact that i didn't really feel ANYTHING. - i remember when i was a little older, maybe twelve years old, almost thirteen somehow developing this belief that I SHOULD BE SAD. again, i didn't FEEL anything - i was a kid, what was i meant to feel? it worried me that i didn't THINK enough, didn't brood i guess but knowing what i know about myself now, i would say it was the thoughts thing - i still worry that i don't THINK enough. i think this is a silly belief. so i would write all this sad stuff, i would write sad poems, i would make up sad stories and pretend they happened to me, i would lie to my friends at school yes for attention but more to try to make these horrible stories TRUE to give myself a reason to be sad, and therefore a reason to BE. of course, as it turned out - i eventually forgot that these things were stories and i did become sad. your thoughts (or lack thereof - ha!) become your words, your words become your actions and all that... i became so sad i was suicidal. my mother, well actually my entire family - however seperately all moved away and left me with a family i did not like. just before this all happened, i had started smoking pot - only once or twice, nothing huge. once my family left though, i guess things got a little worse? i guess that was my first experience of "share house" living, and possibly a reason why i now feel so at home living in a house full of people i rarely communicate with, or even know very well. (that's actually funny, considering what living with my family later became..) i got kicked out of that house, i don't even know how long i was there for. the woman went through my drawers and found a whole heap of matches and a foil. i came home from school one day, a tuesday, and my mum was there. within an hour i had packed up all of my things, and was on my way to a different town - just like that my entire world had changed. i was sent to live with my dad and my brother. i can't remember if my dads now wife was living there yet. i had spent some weekends with my dad in the years between this moment, and the one where i hugged him in the kitchen. he was an alcoholic so there were many times he would forget to pick me up. or he would organise for a taxi to take me to his house, but forget and i would sit on his front step for hours. he had sleep apnea, which means he snores incredibly loudly and sometimes stops breathing in his sleep (trackback quite a few years - before my parents seperated, this snoring and his late night drunken arrival home would result in my mum coming to sleep in my king size waterbed. she would start snoring herself, which would mean i could not get back to sleep, so i would either stay awake all night, listening to her breathe, or go and sleep on the couch downstairs... this happened many times, i think. i still cannot stand sleeping next to someone who is snoring - ESPECIALLY my mother, and in later years this resulted in me being violent with one of my boyfriends while he was sleeping, many, many times..) after the whole forgetting about me thing, he would come home insanely drunk and fall asleep in his chair. so many times his excruciatingly loud snoring would just STOP and those moments terrified me more than anything. sometimes he would stop breathing for almost a minute, i don't know how long really but it felt like forever i would clap my hands, or drop things - make any kind of loud noise to try and wake him up, but you probably know how difficult it is to wake up a drunk who has finally passed out. impossible. eventually he would start breathing again. othertimes, he would remember to collect me from school or whatever and we would go and get movies. we would eat dinner, and watch movies and then i would go to sleep, leaving the door open a crack. i would not have been in bed for even 5 minutes and he would start watching porn. i could hear it, and my door was open a crack so i could see it. he's not a bad father, there were many other times when he has been amazing to me and taught me many things and bought me many happy moments but this is just what happened. anyway, so i went to live with him, and my brother who is 10 years older than me and who i love dearly, however he was tackling a whole different set of problems for the entire time i lived with them. this house is where i was a teenager. pot was readily available, thanks to my brother, and a combination of it, my past experiences and other things that happened in that small town shaped me into a strange girl who could hardly leave the house and would periodically try to commit suicide. all of that is documented in another of these diaries, which many of you have already read. after a couple of years of that, i moved to sydney, and all of THAT is documented here. - hmm. anyway - THAT was unexpected! 6:33 p.m. - 2010-05-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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