msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- talking drunken jibberish so ok, possible scenario this will be over before it even really gets started because he'll have this idea that i'm weak trying to be strong that maybe, i have a drinking..issue, that i do it too often and that it is stopping me from doing what i Should be doing and well he might say this to me and i will get defensive, and say too much (probably drunk) and we will have a fight at which point he will abandon contact, because apparantly thats what he does when things go wrong. he just stops. so, he will abandon contact and will still move to sydney, but just stay right away from me. too much trouble to be bothered with, why is everyone like that he will say, fucking waste of time he will say, why did i even..think something good might happen, he will say. i think this because i can picture him now, shopping with his sister saying 'fuck, she had something good Again and she just walked out on it' and his sister saying well she's pathetic and him not agreeing straight away but knowing it inside himself, even if he will not admit it. maybe we will lie just to get him here, lie until he can find somewhere better lie because the sex will be good but he won't respect me, how could he? and that, my dears, is the most important thing and the lack of it is what ruined my last relationship i think and well i'm just convinced i don't Deserve respect, at the moment p a t h e t i c and he is such a hard working, well focussed, beautifully driven man and he says, always 'it took me a long time, and a lot of fucking around to get like this' but why should he have to put up with someone who isn't there yet. and he is one of those boys that when you tell them something, all he wants to do is offer a solution, try to fix the situation when i'm not looking for help, or advice, just simply..telling a story, saying whats going on and also, i've always been one to shy away from that kind of thing, that 'here, let me fix it' sure, other people always seem to pick up my pieces but in much more subtle ways, so that i can pretend to myself, and to them that i don't really notice, that thats not really whats happening and so my phone will ring soon, and i have to be drunk on the phone and try to not sound so damsel in distress-ish and put a positive spin on everything because i don't want him to think i'm pathetic silly, strange little circular train of thought...just keeps going around and around and around....thank goodness for radiohead and two weirdos in queensland who seem to be keeping me sane....or fuelling my own weirdness, it's somewhat hard to tell.. 3:56 p.m. - 2006-06-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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