msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bleach There’s a party down the street. I left sunny Queensland this morning, where it’s on the fringe of “dry season” and a nice 24 degrees. Four hours in transit and the captain announced “prepare the cabin for landing” and we stepped down through some thick cloud cover into a completely different landscape, from tropical to foresty farm land.. I guess? I don’t have the words to explain the differences, but it felt worlds apart, this particular time of year really showcasing the different space on the planet. It was cold when I got here, which I expected, I ordered an Uber home and along the way and while pulling up near my Melbourne home I saw the stark difference - trees if not fully bare almost bare, leaves if not brown already almost brown, certainly nothing here is green or full. After getting dropped off and taking stock I walked into the yard and saw my three beautiful plants on my balcony looking more full of life than I have ever seen them. Obviously my housemate has tended to them well, my brother said maybe she spoke to them and honestly it wouldn’t surprise me, whatever she did it worked beautifully as they are all new leaves and extra inches long, a wonderful blooming with love welcome home present, something that fills me with joy. I have been shaking all day with fear. All day since last night, could not sleep, full of bad situations and scenarios, full of worst cases. Vomiting fears behind the shed. No news is most likely good news, unless it’s so bad that no one will share it. I’ve just been terrified. More for the little things - who will mop and bleach up the brown piss and joke about the royal wedding at the same time; who will microwave a heat pack; who will sleep next to her: who will know where those socks are; who will know what she needs before she asks for it, especially before she has to ask for it three times. In the moment I get so much fulfillment from being there to do those things. I feel energized by knowing I have been able to help. She’s my mother, she birthed me, she has sacrificed and given so much for me, always encouraged me to be my own person, always had this idea that I was a teacher to her, a gift. I do all this because it is my gift, my need. My father says I’m Sacrificing but the real sacrifice for me would be NOT being here. I am really self serving through this. I honestly feel honored to be there during this time. And at ease we adapt as we need to. She’s my mother, I came from her, she knows my body intimately, I guess why should there be any shame about providing the same level of care to her. I mopped up her failing liver brown piss and we joked about the royal wedding. 10:37 p.m. - 2018-05-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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