msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - i find myself writing things in my head lately but never have the time and space, literally and figuratively, to actually put them down. what would i say anyway? relationships are hard. life is hard, but beautiful. i feel trapped and suffocated and hopeless but also just really busy and parenting is relentless and sobriety/recovery is so empowering that i have so much shit i want to do so i just keep going one foot in front of the other. but it feels like things are crumbling around me. the weight of normalised gendered inequality hangs around the neck of my relationship like a rock. positions i never dreamt i would be in are now cemented into my reality. i try to rise above it, try to do the mental gymnastics to see things a different way, to find a different outcome, to make things work, to do the work, to be patient and accomodating, to give time and allowances and EMPATHY, so much fucking empathy! i spend so much time accomodating other peoples feelings that my own become a second thought, a luxury. how much of this is just new parenthood, how much is the pandemic, how much is unaddressed trauma and an unwillingness to change? how much is being stuck in something because getting to the other side would have too much collateral damage? how much is just thinking the grass is greener? how much is my own self indulgence, selfishness, privilege, thinking i deserve more and somehow my life should be different than so many other women. how much is not being grateful enough? even though i recite my gratitude every night before i sleep like a prayer to the cosmos "please make this true". 8:10 p.m. - 2022-06-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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