msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you i am engaging in behaviours that signal to me *i am not ok*. list of triggering (alarm bells) behaviours: - not eating. or maybe i should say.. "disordered eating". food is always kind of an issue for me but when i start skipping every meal without noticing for a couple of days, i see something is up. and then when i notice and binge, and vomit. that also tells me something else. all so unthinkingly, all so autopilot. - self medicating (more than usual). anything i can get my hands on. focus on any kind of opiate (partial, synthetic, low dose, doesn't matter) or really any kind of downer. surprise surprise. also obviously drinking any moment i am not at work but that really isn't so out of the ordinary. kind of ties into the next one though, which is - becoming apathetic towards time. which really signals being apathetic towards EVERYTHING. injecting something at midnight which will keep me up until at least 2, have to be up at 7.... who cares. i am sleep walking anyway. the less i feel, or the MORE i feel the absence of feelings THE BETTER. - some new ones, which are... well, the real signals, the opposite of how i usually feel in these states, or at least..... just different * complete lack of inspiration. no writing, no seeking the beauty in this, no indulgence or enjoyment (until now i guess) growing up maybe? i don't know. sometimes it's so hard to know what's a symptom and what's a cause. another thing to add to this list is just the general feeling that the things which usually give me joy, or that i would have motivation to do...... i just feel nothing towards. my apathy has reached a whole new level, which would be frightening if i.... well, you know, wasn't so apathetic. it's a strange time this one. seasonal? cosmic? chemical? inevitable? natural? dangerous? healthy? i don't know. i guess the other *new* thing is that i have this ~faith~ now. my mantra in moments of extreme anxiety the last few days has been "you don't get anything you can't handle". everything is in it's place. everything is fine. why bother. somewhere in the middle of that. i'm going to be fine. i'm going to be bright and blazing and intense and ferocious and inspired and loved and touched and set on fire and a spark. again. i'll just stare at the wall until then. 12:00 a.m. - 2015-06-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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