msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- self talk i guess it's a blessing but my veins are so fucking hard to hit i could never really do this as an every day thing. i don't know how we managed for that couple of weeks using pretty much every day. well, it was with drama and difficulty i guess. tears and bruises and many of my shots getting close to coagulated and then going straight into the boy so it wasn't wasted gear. have shot into my breast vein twice in last 24 hours. the second time i wasn't really in a vein but i was close to losing the shot so i just fucking went with it, it still did the trick. it's just so fucking nice to not feel anything. - last night/around 4am this morning as i was trying to get to sleep i felt in a pretty bad way, fear and anxiety lingering around me. i've been making myself sad by seeing old pictures, not even 12 months old, of how i used to look. i feel like i've really stopped caring for myself in a lot of ways, i'm not sure if it's that i've lose pride or that i've gained security. probably the former otherwise it wouldn't get me down. had this little glimmering moment where i sort of pulled myself up on it and wrote myself this little pep talk about remembering how powerful i am, what i've overcome. i am so fucking fortunate. able minded, able bodied, so much privelege and opportunity at my fingertips. i can't sit by and act a victim because i have the options and ability to live a beautiful and full life. with some effort i can get back a body i am more proud of, i can fight to regain my "promising future". somewhere over the last 12 months i have stopped caring for myself as much as i used to. stopped believing in my strength. given away my power. i don't feel there is anything holding me back from this other than.... laziness. this lack of self worth will be remedied once i start FEEDING my worth. it will then continue to feed itself. i owe it to myself, to the people i love, and to the world, the people who have fought for me to have the rights and the opportunities i have now. i owe it to the people who aren't so priveleged to not take these amazing gifts for granted, to not let them be squandered and wasted on me. - anyway that's all. i think that's a pretty positive outcome already from this weekend. 1:51 p.m. - 2014-03-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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