msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Adaptation Dealing with sickness and impending death like this makes my ability to deal with other people’s everyday neuroses and indulgences pretty fucking reduced. One housemate passive aggressively coughing and slamming doors rather than communicating, another whispering to himself all day before playing nice guy with a woman he’s obviously trying to seduce under the guise of something else. For both parties those are just full stops on looooong sentences of similar behavior that has been shitting me for years. This sickness, this potential indefinite time of leaving what is my Melbourne home for what is my real heart home has been what put my life on hold - I’ve put off moving and doubling my rent and living expenses while there’s been the possibility of these months happening at any time. It’s been two years waiting for this, and I knew the time would come and I don’t regret, if anything am vindicated of that choice of staying put. Being back here for a couple of days I at least have some new thing to be grateful for in all of this, that when I return for the last time, when I come back to Melbourne not just for a reprieve but to grieve and to repair, a big part of that will be moving out of this fucking house that is in so many ways more deathly and black and soul sucking than where I’ve been. These people are true representations of how I never, ever want to be at their ages. People I never want to align myself with again, and give me reason to live with greater self love and respect. I hate losing her, but I have processed a lot over those two years. Not that it won’t be devastating and more than I can imagine, but there are some small graces - recognizing all the ways she is in my day to day life, and knowing that when I finally move out of here I will feel her joy and love. And I’ll have fresh flowers in my new home all the time and for better or worse that will remind me of her too. 11:32 p.m. - 2018-05-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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