msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- form themselves into streams people, people are more dangerous than drugs. or guns. or knives. or....... well, most things. i was abuzz with words mere seconds ago, i open this page and set my stage and now i am mute, everything in me is must (typo. freudian? i meant mute). i've intitiated therapy. i am without a tether human, someone i am connected to who i base my existence/identity around, who receives my love and neuroses and care and affections. there is no one. i seem to have semi conciously alienated those close to me and those who have been trying i can't seem to stir up any feeling for. instead i find myself in line at the chemist with a black eyed clipped wing angel offering me 50 clonazepan pills for $15, when i don't show a lot of interest he shows me this sharp knife he has found, offers it to me, he is, in my vision, 30% sweat 30% pupils 40% broken human. i fumble with my wallet. long story short i ended up shooting half a rivotril diluted in water up my ass in an old syringe that i pulled the pick out of last night. it hit hard, i nodded out on my stomach, pants around my knees, needle sticking out of my ass. went to bed happy, woke up and went to a shit fight at work, it's hard to tell if it effected me emotionally or not, i was full of rage in the morning but there was a lot going on, i don't know myse;f really, don't know if i am an angry person or a pleasant one. i guess it depends on who YOU are. i know it depends on that. i am quite picky. i think i felt like my life was out of my control (work, my mum - simple when put into just those 3 words but hugely complex when broken down) so i am grasping at any tiny bit of control i have. whether it be choosing to wander around with a guy who just showed me he has a knife and trying to score drugs, or telling people that i can not speak to them anymore, or re-engaging with people i'd previously chosen to not speak to, or.... this is the really seemingly out of character stuff..... asking my doctor for a psychologist referral when i'm not in total crisis mode ordering semi-healthy food and enjoying it, wait, a step back, craving greens, vegetables, craving something good for me, following through on it putting money aside as i want to go overseas in a little while standing up to my boss and saying i am overwhelmed not getting black out drunk for....3 nights this week i think. i might be pregnant. i don't think i am. i don't think i am. i've been a bit nauseous (but i think it was just hunger, i had some time of not really eating, it was mostly cos i was stressed about my mum) i think i was so hungry it was making me feel sick, so sick that i couldn't eat. it reminded me of being young and i would often feel sick...or hungry that way, and my mum would just give me peppermints. i kept a jar next to my bed. i would go to bed feeling sick like that and have a peppermint and feel ok. thinking of this now, and knowing what i do about my family lfe back then (which is limited, patchy knowledge).... but now i think of it is very possible those nights i was hungry too. i don't think.... we never really ate dinner. anyway i am going back to therapy, i know that this is a good thing. my mums been.... unwell. it's terrifying and exhausting. i would give so much to make things better for her. she is so trapped. i know she is suicidal. we have always been so close, i feel she is my responsibility more than anyone elses, i feel i know her more than anyone else she has around her at the moment, she is in a toxic situation and i can't save her, she has always saved me. i NEED her to practice what she's been preaching to me my whole life. i need her to be strong. all i've seen the last 2 months is that everything she's said she's believed in my whole life is a lie. i know my little experiences of.... losing my own beliefs, i am so much younger, so much less experienced, so much less to lose, and it has had me digging my own grave so i can only maybe HALF imagine how she must be feeling. even just that bit i can imagine is so heart wrenchingly painful. i weep for her constanty, i cannot get her off my mind, she has isolated herself, her whole personality has changed. it's.... i am so thankful to still have her. i cannot say that enough. i NEED her and she is trying and sometimes, for a minute, it feels like normal.... i need her back. how can my grandmother, my mums mother be 80 and my mum in her early 60's and i'm losing her - not to cancer or anything like that but to a tocix fucking situation that she can't get out of. i always thought she was so strong. and now i'm scared she will let her weakness and indecision kill her. i would never forgive her. because i really believe in her. she fucking told me to. she showed me, she has been obsessed with self help books and positive thinking and self evaluation since before i was born, how did she go so wrong? i am angry. i am so fucking angry at her for not doing better. for putting all of us through this. the worst is i know she see's that. she had chances, so many chances over the last 10 years to make things different and she never did. and now she is in a spot where she has NO OPTIONS, NO FREEDOM, NO CHOICE. she is locked into her choices and so are we. i know how close i have felt before, how much sense suicide has made to me, with my tiny tiny little life experience. i am fucking terrified of how she feels now. and it is exhausting - but worth it, so woth it, i will do it as long as it takes, as much as it takes, to help her. but i am so far away. i don't know what will happen. it is making me act in ways i've never seen before. i don't know me like this, i don't know what i am feeling or going through, i am unpredictable and i am not very in tune with myself. i feel like i am about 5 different people lately. i don't know where i am. i hope therapy will help. 3:18 a.m. - 2016-02-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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