msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- breathe you know on the nicki minaj and beyonce feelin myself clip how beyonce says that thing about stopping the world? and it goes silent and then she says go? i love to make you feel small, but i won't lie - i put a lot of planning into coming here to write but i stopped the world to listen to your 9 seconds. was it worth it? always. often the joy is not in the listening, but in knowing that you took that time, that YOUR world stopped. there is this gorgeous austrian trans woman - and i refer to her in that *outing* way because thats how she refers to herself, i have seen her read poetry, hard poetry full of love and hate and politics and plainness too, she claims dualism - anyway i saw her walking down the street yesterday, i see her often around Melbourne Central, short sharp red hair, sharp jagged edges bones, short and tight black clothes. yesterday as i walked behind her i saw air air AIR getting closer and closer, written on her arm, as i picked up speed to overtake her i noticed it was Plath on the back of her arm, "out of the ash, i rise with my red hair, and i eat men like air" i bring this up because in those snippets of your voice, and your time, it's also your Air. my air. owning intangible things half a world away, such is the strength of my narcissism, but this is not what i came here to write about. - i think i came here to write about lust though. but. but yesterday i was told it was sixty-five years since my grandparents first date. My grandmother told me, i called her because He was in hospital. she told me this late in the call, said that every year they go out for lunch to celebrate, she told me he always says THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY, this is where everything started. it wasn't until after i thought to think WHAT DID YOU TALK ABOUT WHAT DID YOU DO WHY WAS THIS DIFFERENT TO OTHER DATES WHAT MADE YOU FALL IN LOVE DID YOU KNOW THEN DID YOU KISS DID YOU WANT TO DID YOU THINK ABOUT SITTING ON THE TABLE AND PUSHING YOUR CUNT INTO HIS FACE i was drinking with a guy tonight and for about 3 minutes i was distracted by that very thought DID HE EVER PICK YOU UP FROM THE AIRPORT AND TAKE THE FIRST POSSIBLE EXIT AND FUCK YOU IN THE SAND DUNES, RUINING YOUR ONLY PAIR OF BLACK JEANS AND THEN STEAL THEM MONTHS LATER DID YOU EVER SIT IN A CAR WITH HIM AND THREATEN TO PUSH THE WHEEL AND DRIVE YOU BOTH OF THE ROAD like i did when i was 17 and in love for the first time DID HE EVER DIDDFdnavl dsigh
did he did you ever think that did you ever even think that after that first date you'd have all these DID HE EVER PUT A N, did yu ever even think about how you baby baby grand daughter might think about morphine patches ------------------------------------
but there's this fucking homeless hoarder guy near my work that i walk past every day to get my meds and today he was in the line at the chemis in front of me and i know he recognised me the way i do him, i'm talking that plain and simple I SEE YOU EVERY DAY and i saw him realise why he saw me walk to and fro every day, and here i am walking from my job, walking past his proud fucking sanctuary of not giving a fuck, and i knew in that moment, what i'd half known before, i could fucking fall in love with this guy if he'd give it a chance, and if i would too, what the FUCK am i doing with this, i leave my receipt for " 14 days x methadone dose" on my desk (i am not on methadone, but thats what it says on receipts) i didn't come hehre to weriwehfvsiphzvdn aboutbwefoe thisbwfaafafasgaegegenjgsnlbsgn/lkgsrnegi4Wgn:bnoh"joae --------------------- there's so many pretty boys at work. and i see them look at me. and being in a position of power seems to make them look at me differently, or maybe i do, i start to see them as air. i WANT them, want to eat, devour them, feel feel their ------- tonight, talking to this guy i realised i always talk down my position i don't trust myself i trust myself until i have to say it out loud talking to this boy that says he's seen me, knows me, i want to eat him ---- last sunday, you overheard me say "god, i can't fall for another person who is 20 years older me" and you, more than 20 years older than me let me let you drunkenly drive me home - rolling cigarettes for you, pulling flowers out of state gardens on the walk to your car, pushing them into my hair, putting the windows up, lighting for you, there it is, i ---love to see you feeling young. i love to ------- the night after my last diary entry, i spoke to him and he'd had such a bad day. i felt like a SUCCUBUS if you believe in it (do i?). i took everything good. i have the best of intentions but so lays the way to hell....... i don't know why i like them older. or younger. i just know i feel magnificent, like a whirling phoenix-fire-figure. 12:39 a.m. - 2015-10-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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