msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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Just rubbish really

So, I am on a bit of a journey of self discovery lately. Well, always, but it is slightly more conscious of late.

I have been involved in an online dating site for a couple of months and have had some experiences from that. But the last couple of weeks, along with this new interest in BDSM I've really been analysing what it is I want from any kind of "relationship".

I do want one, of some description.

I've deleted my account on that site because....it's a pointless distraction and isn't giving me what I want.

But I am talking with someone at the moment who is actually SO good looking I sometimes find it hard to take him seriously. Isn't that terrible? The curse of being beautiful...

Not only is he outrageously beautiful but he lives on the Gold Coast (about 2 hours away). I highly doubt we will ever meet, and I am sick of these conversations that lead nowhere so in my communication with him I am perhaps being more raw than I would usually.

Anyway, we got to talking about sex and festishes yesterday and I said I really don't want to discuss that with him. I have enough sexting and skyping buddies, I am sick of TALKING about sex.

So, he asked me if I knew what I want from a relationship.

And so I responded with this, and as it has been on my mind lately I thought I'd post it here as well just to...keep it.

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Late last year I got out of a 5 year relationship so I'm really in no rush to get back in to that kind of situation.

IDEALLY I guess I would like some kind of polyamorous arrangement. A lover (someone for cuddles, fun, comfort), a master (someone experienced in BDSM who I can explore that with) and an…intellectual stimulator (someone who helps me grow intellectually, exposes me to new ideas and stretches my mind). Maybe eventually all 3 will be rolled into one, and actually maybe even one person could cover 2 of those. Bottom line really is I don't want a big commitment, I don't want to fall in love.

So, that is an 'ideal' thought. But, in reality, people get jealous, other emotions get in the way….life gets messy. And how selfish of me to want 3 lovers!! And plus, I can't even find ONE person who I overly connect with.

So recently I'm a big believer in exploring and breaking down social ideals - I think monogamy is a flawed idea. I think relationships can be a lot healthier than that, but it requires a lot of mutual respect, open communication and maturity on all sides..

So there is my morning manifesto on my current desires.

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I don't fucking know.

But I guess defining what you're looking for is the first step in actually getting it.

12:39 p.m. - 2012-07-26

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