msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my selfish heart is alone tonight i had a lot to say. gone now, melted away by happy housemate faces... - been dreaming a lot lately. big symbolism dreams. rats, the ex, whales, water, dirty laundry, babies, pregnancies - i am running away from my degree. i feel like i need to drop out of programming. which is really dropping out of the whole degree... still doing web design units which don't really count for anything besides education (god - shouldn't THAT be the goal?? not just the piece of paper...) - what do i want the degree for? what will i do with it? do i even need it? - had another rendezvous on friday night. some midnight stranger with teddy bear eyes and a bit of a stutter, a four year old son. he was so incredibly nervous i couldn't help but be incredibly relaxed. a lie down, spooning, head and neck message and then all the right things in all the right places. a boozy, seedy and sweet wake up. saturday night was place to myself, 2 hour bath with the door and windows open, too many bubbles, nick cave, chai tea, dark chocolate and a good book about death and longing and let downs swapping pictures with some 38 year old web designer in byron with a full sleeve just plain black tattoo that tells the ending of some story i would like to hear one day. - i don't talk to the ex anymore. it is a relief but i still think about him a lot. almost daily i guess. i get angry, and question everything and hope he's ok and want to spit in his face and hit him and hold him and i guess it's that same old thing that i see myself as so much like him. THAT is the only reason for any love i have left? i don't know. - i played pool tonight with that midnight visitor and i realised the game just doesn't hold my interest when it's not with him. so that is something a little bit sad and also a little bit nice, i guess. - there is so much more. trying to force it is never a good idea.... 8:13 p.m. - 2012-04-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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