msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i built an aeroplane i moved house yesterday. out of my home for the last 18 months, that wonderful house of hopelessness and debauchery and so many lost hours and into a brand new kind of hotel room apartment. i don't feel at home here, feel so un-permananent and i guess i am, but maybe the feeling will fix itself soon. i'm quite sad to see the end of that house. this move feels so grown up compared to anything else i've ever done before, feels like saying goodbye to the things i'd let myself do in the past. mainly it's good things to say goodbye to. reversing my sleep patterns, spilling blood anywhere it would land, screaming and hitting and crying for hours in front of house guests. leaving pancake mix rotting on my floor for over 6 months. from now on i feel i have to be organised and completely responsible. i am part of a team now. these are all really good things, i just feel strange because it's all very fresh. and i think i will miss my girls. even with all the bitching and behind back snide remarks. my cat has gone missing in this new house - the boy is unbelievably lovely though. of course. making a nice home for me, with things he knows i like and need. some of my posters put up, a bedside table with my lamp and new frankie magazine, a little vanity corner set up near my mirror complete with milk crate and cushion to sit on. it will be nicer when we find our new house. i want plants in my bathroom. that stay alive. growing up indeed. -
but it's getting taken care of. i don't mind so much except i get worried that because of last time, and the previous times i may not be able to carry to full term when the time is right. and i get worried everyday that i have started to miscarry again which makes me realise how truly traumatic all that really was. but besides that, and the sickness and exhaustion - it's ok. just one more week. i have been loving anything written by douglas coupland i can get my hands on (including his ny times blog), of montreal and amy winehouse, pointing out nice houses, daydreaming about pretty potted plants and purple fluffy towels, not having trouble sleeping, working right in the middle of this amazing city five days a week and wearing docs instead of stilettos, feeling capable and not paying taxes. i miss her alot and i hope she'll come and visit me soon. she is in so much of what i have around me. - domestic bliss and trappdoors - take two. 10:54 a.m. - 2008-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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