msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - i'm lonely today. melancholy, perfect word. i just need to be able to properly express a sigh, in this text. this is no substitute for human contact, i can't believe i forgot that. i don't have to be lonely, but i'm not really choosing it either. if i really wanted, there are people i could call. places to go, to be surrounded by people. i don't really want company. i want something more. i sat here for an hour staring at itunes while it was playing death cab for cutie songs. it started to rain on the way home from my interview. i have shut all the doors, all the curtains. locked myself up in here. i wonder if i subconsciously sabotaged that phone call. who on earth? why? - i don't know if it's still raining. and now i'm listening to that jose gonzalez song 'crosses'..on repeat. i feel seventeen again. scotch hasn't tasted too good these last 3 days. after my little death cab for cutie stint, i downed one in two mouthfuls. i'm on my second. it tastes fantastic. - i've really got nothing to say but just this horrible need to....express. and this may or may not come as a shock to you, but i enjoy expressing myself in here, or other pages..sometimes more so than to actual people. it's cold. so cold it feels like my socks must be wet, even though they're not. this week has been forever. i'm trying to put some stubstance into some of my violent thoughts. for example, when i think about hurting people i force myself to imagine the reality of it. how it would really look. how it would probably hurt me too, because i'm not very strong. that the ugliness in their face, that so much blood, their brain, their internal organs...how the sight of these things would more than likely, realistically, make me vomit. i need to do this because in my head, at first, these things are fantastic and swift and look like something out of a clockwork orange..i dance while i do it and there's always some fantastic song playing. but that is not how it would work. so, i walk down the street and i think about that. and i think about axes in peoples chest, foreheads smashed against bins, strangulation...sometimes i think, fantasise about adam going too far with his hands around my throat one day..about me letting him, not tapping on his back when i felt things slipping. it probably wouldn't work. i would probably just pass out, at which point he would probably try and resuscitate me. unless well no, that is probably what he would do. and i think about pinning that woman down, julie, who i had my interview with today i think about pinning julie down, smashing her in the face with something hard...there was nothing close by, so realisticlly it would have been my hand. back handing her a couple of times, until i saw blood come out of her mouth. and then...hopefully she is dazed, confused, shocked i think about how it would feel to then dig my fingers into her eye socket to just try, how i would struggle, to try and grip an eye ball. and just pull. rip i think about these things and listen to sad tori amos songs, and death cab for cutie and jose gonzalez and whatever else..and i burn my nag champa incense, and smoke my lucky strikes and drink my vat 69 and...realise that i am way too impressionable. that adam shouldn't have lent me american psycho and that bek shouldn't leave me alone like this. but it goes without saying, i will never do any of these things. except maybe letting someone strangle me until i pass out. i'm scared of the world. terrified. i start to think these thoughts when the fear threatens to overwhelm me. when i start to get really anxious. it comforts me, and empowers me. strange maybe, but it works. and i enjoy it. and now i should go and write somewhere else. i feel better already. 4:11 p.m. - 2006-05-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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