msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- seven months sober I'm having a baby. unplanned, not just in the "oh i didn't expect this so soon" but in the "i wasn't sure i'd ever go down that road" kind of way. but my belly is growing and the front room of our house is slowly being filled with pink and light grey sweet things. tiny clothes. miniature blankets. soft toys. this is really happening. that front room held both her paternal grandparents as they died. my partner refuses to sleep in there even though it's the master bedroom. even though i slept in my mothers bedroom hours after her funeral, i understand why he feels this way, and maybe i'd feel the same as he does if she'd actually died in that very room. everyone's excited. in my immediate family she is the first of the next generation, my brother and sister can't or won't have (biological) babies of their own. my grandparents have other great grandchildren to their other daughter but this is different and we all know it. my dad is the only surviving grandparent. i think he's excited, i don't hear from him much. i don't expect much from him. i think i got pregnant the day i got home from rehab. i was away for 5 weeks, one week in detox, 4 weeks in a residential rehab that felt like a cult. it was such a strange time, life has had such tectonic shifts since then, since before then, since before before then that it's almost hard to reconcile all the changes. all the old linchpins of my identity have been cut away and what's left is.... an essence, a person i've never known but wow, she's great and i love her. she's funny and personable and insightful and caring. and she's not in pain all the time, not a ball of static electricity all the time. life has become so much easier. which is the great contradiction of addiction. the things we think are keeping us afloat are the things which keep us tethered to the ground. 11:47 a.m. - 2020-04-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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