msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Songbird (Night Owl). Oh my gosh it’s so hard. We/I have been given all the information we can get. It’s funny how in certain medical situations they have to give you the WORST scenarios... With a surgery it’s a fixed timeframe you go through this education of the worst, then waiting and hoping for the best and most likely you all come out of it ok. With something in terminal or palliative stages it’s so different. They provide you with either as little information as possible, or if you prompt they’ll give you the BEST scenario. In this case it’s continuing lack of appetite, mobility, consciousness, eventually passing in ones sleep. It’s hard to tell sometimes what’s wishful thinking, what’s denial, what’s acceptance, what’s giving up. What does it matter. When one weighs up the options.... if surviving is more painful than dying then how could you blame someone for giving up? I, especially, knowing my own history and my uncertain relationship with life, find this a particularly difficult question. That’s a lie. If I were her, I’d die. Soon. Gracefully, and peacefully. My sister visited a psychic once and was told that she and I had been sisters for eons. We continued to find one another in life after life, sometimes one guiding the other, sometimes the other way. In my heart I can recognize and believe this, I see it play out in our relationship. My sister has had a wildly different experience of my mother than I’ve had. I often wonder how she ties into that karmic combination. It would not surprise me if she was in there too, at least if not with my sister then only with me, us three women somehow forming a triad. I can’t explain how nothing ever in my life has felt as natural as this. I don’t know how I’ll cope when she’s gone, I can’t imagine it will be easy, but at the moment, while going through it, I’m not sad, I am full, I am happy for this chance, I feel whole. I get so much joy from these moments with her, and I know I’ll miss her terribly when she’s gone, but I can’t imagine not feeling her with me, and the possibility of...... always having her with me. I know it will still hurt. She is my strongest bond, ever. We’re so lucky to share that. I’ve been working on a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle lately and it’s made it so late at night all my thoughts are in the shape of a puzzle piece. 12:55 a.m. - 2018-05-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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