msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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Love, be brave

There is some crazy energy around the river - around being by the river during this time. She always wanted a house by the river.

I look out the non-window, a clear unobstructed space inbetween walls of flyscreens, i look out there often and get this atrange sense of cured blindness. Seeing this outlook so clear like somehow ive never seen before. Days go by and i exist in this house and somehow don’t look to this one space, the open, unobstructed space, and when i do it is breathtaking and brand new.

She comes out here even less. She relies on an electric chair to help her recline and stand up, and the electric chair is inside so she misses this view. She knows its here, and so do i, but if i see it as new every few days regardless of how many times in that time i come out here, how must it be for her.

No wonder she cried when she said she’d sit out her more now the weather was better. Not long after when she tried to move her legs were too weak to get off the beautidul L shaped leather lounge that came with the house. I tried to help her up. How do you help something you dont understand. Cant comprehend. Which part of her legs isnt working? Will it work after a few deep breaths? Was the last time she could do something so simple as get off the couch, wash her hair, make her own cup of tea, really *the* last time? Most of those i know have already passed.

She wants to hold her dignity more than anything else, and with such amazing poise and grace has been living through all of this. Seats in showers, over toilets, a daughter helping dress her mother, partner showering her, trouble walking, sometimes trouvle talking to guests and i swoop in and answer, or change the subject - social graces are so important to her and her great Oaf of a partner has no sense for this, these are the small favours i can bestow.

I worry she is worse than she lets on, this tie to dignity giving us all this extra time but at what cost to her. Of course sometimes she doesnt have a choice and the reality of her condition takes over.

Its all such a meddle in my head, and this is such a strange time, going on 8 weeks ive been away. Some days shes good and i think ill go back for awhile. Some days shes bad and i think id be crazy to leave. I know we’re still in a lucky time. Things are really relatively good, and will likely get so much worse before she’s gone.

I don’t know what else to say.

2:29 a.m. - 2018-04-25

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