msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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oh, and of course, the other thing that happened.... losing a thing i never really had? which is a stupid way to refer to it.

something ending. something real ending, a full stop placed before i was really ready, even though our sentence was just inside a parentheses and not really a full paragraph. but i knew that and didn't mind, did not see that close coming.

it is good to feel 'maybe'. 'soon'. 'sometime'. to have history. to know someone, their habits, faults, to have seen them ugly and pure and to have had them see you in all of those ways, to have come together, gone away, come back.... it is so comforting to have that to fall asleep with, even if you're on your own - especially when you're on your own. to have it all scratched out, put back to 0, disintegrated like beeswax paint under a hot steam iron.. it is sad. i realise how comforting it has been just having it there, at the back of my mind, not that we were eachothers but that we were there in the meantime. but, meantime runs up, inevitable conversations happen. of course it is easier for a mid 50's italian guy to meet someone than it is for a 30 year old woman.

i had to get drunk like this to say these things, to say anything. i don't know how accurate a lot of it is, i just wanted to get something out. if only i could paint a landscape that brought in all the colour and emotion of the time we shared, and then maybe sell it and have it cover the cost of my car. that stupid fucking italian, regardless of what i say or don't say, i fucking fell for the guy and

9:33 p.m. - 2016-08-20

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