msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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Inevitability

I don't want to be but I feel almost obsessed with death. It is constantly at the back of my mind, this waiting, this awareness, inevitability, of a call, having to pack up and fly three states away before it becomes real.

I hope I am there instead. I hope it is a long way off. But something heavy sits on my chest, like there is already a smell of decay tendriling around me in everything I do.

I pray that this is just anxiety, that I am wrong, delusional.

I had a tarot reading on Saturday night and the card I picked as the near future was around the signing of legal documents. My friend and I pretended for awhile, said its maybe a lease or something to do with work....... Some hours later we confessed we'd both thought first of a will, but hadn't wanted to say it out loud.

In my dream the night before, it happened, she died. I was there though, I got to her just in time, held her hand, she looked at me at first with screaming terror filled eyes, but they turned calm.

I'm going there in one month, a part of me is so petrified that something will happen sooner. That i will miss a last chance. Even writing this I feel scared, more scared, that I am cementing some horrible future. I've had strong intuition before and that is.... What makes this so much more worrying.

I almost arranged to go this week but have delayed it. She said its better to have it to look forward to, than to rush it all. I will be there for her birthday. I'll have roses chocolate and tea with her as breakfast in bed.

3:59 p.m. - 2016-06-13

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