msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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i'll delete this

it is sickening and scary how scared i am of true intimacy. a part of me see's why. in a way? a part of me see's that any adult relationship i have had has not set me up to see intimacy as a good thing. but i can't help but think part of that, part of me choosing those people, those circumstances has to do with NEVER having seen or known a functional relationship, having experienced childhood abandonment, other sorts of trauma.

what do you think? i know this can be overcome. i haven't done that work. i can't tell the difference between not having feelings for someone and feeling like i am hurting them/doing them wrong. if someone cares about me, shows me care, touches me with care, with intimacy..... i get so guilty, i tailspin into self destruction and hate because

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it is hard to do this work. i've been pacing around my house just now, thinking "i need to go back to therapy"

it is very, very hard to love yourself. is it? is it that hard for everyone? why don't i feel like i deserve that? why did i go down this path?

12:28 a.m. - 2015-09-27

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