msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- something in the way he moves there is a boy i've been interested in for some time. he works in my building, and whenever i see him, we notice one another. notice one another noticing one another. often i am sitting outside, smoking with a friend, and he will walk past me. he walks with a stilted gait. he has big open eyes, big headphones and seemingly a large collection of black band shirts. some circumstances changed at work and the department he works in came under the management of mine, meaning it came under the management of me. so we finally spoke, a couple of days ago. a couple of weeks ago, his resignation was delivered to my inbox, announcing his final day as yesterday, providing the required amount of notice. i was sad to think that there would be no more chance of our very sweet, non-verbal encounters that ALWAYS stirred me and lifted my day. drunkenly earlier this week i decided that i should not let this opportunity pass, and that i would approach him and ask him out before he left. i didn't have to. circumstance continued to push the situation along without requiring much input from me. - at the end of the day, at the pub next to work - he showed up and in the throng of people, i am the only friendly face he can get to easily. i invite him over. conversation flows pretty much how i had expected, had hoped. yes i like that band too, yes i've seen this band before as well, oh my - we were at the same At The Drive In gig. not much time passes and anyone i was there with leaves, and we are one on one. this feels like a date. within less than two hours of starting to talk, he kisses me. before this we are sitting closely, he is easily but subtly affectionate, testing me. our conversation floats from deeply personal to trivial mostly effortlessly, aside from my nervousness, and inability to let silence linger for too long. discussing this was when he lent for a kiss. some short time passes, we move from a semi-crowded balcony to an empty room, we talk and kiss and he moans surprisingly loud as i kiss his neck and then "do you wanna get out of here?" of course i do. - on a crowded tram, we have no choice but to be close. but we are so close. one arm around one another, the other holding the railing above. he is all nuzzling into my neck, forehead kisses, such softness, such...... pure affection. occasionally i snap out of the haze and become aware of the people around us, some watching, some seeing. i realise how we must look, like people falling in love. - there are things here that i want to write about but i am holding back. his body is surprising. we open up about a lot, we ask a lot, but i don't ask why he walks like that, and it's not until the morning that i see his crooked and bent feet, but i still don't know exactly why (i think i know, but i won't know for sure until i ask). i feel him trembling as we touch, but not..... he is trembling inside, like a heartbeat going 28X too fast or something like that. sometimes it calms, but not for very long. after he cums, he trembles so hard for almost a full minute, in the first few seconds i start to wonder if he is having a fit. my mind floats back to my black hearted love, his temporal lobe epilepsy, when he had his first fit in front of me, his first fit in a very long time, and said i just had to hold him until it passed. so in this circumstance, not really knowing whats happening, i just hold him, tightly, calmly, with love and care, and it passes. i still don't know what it was. it didn't happen the next time. in his bed, in the dark, we fall asleep before midnight all wrapped up in one another, moments after i say "i should really get going soon..." sometime around 4 we wake up, the way you do on nights like that, waking to realise your bodies have started responding before your mind has, that you are both excited and exploring, softly slowly until your mind ticks awake and then things get feverish and furious there are limitations. a few. we make do. there is so much that is foreign, but also not. pieces of things that i can't understand yet, and won't until i ask and he explains, and realistically maybe not even then. i sense though that it is important that i haven't asked yet. i think this time when we can pretend that there isn't anything to ask about is important to him. but i might just be projecting. i am bleeding, i'm not sure how much. he has absolute disregard for this, and it's incredibly arousing, he shoves his tongue in my cunt, he bites and pulls at my lips, he shoves fingers in me - all of this is such a surprise, in the dark i can feel my eyes rolling around with complete abandon and.....awe? afterwards he tries to ask some big questions, we talk about my scars, he asks about my parents.... i fall asleep. i stir from sleep sporadically over the next few hours and he is awake every time. i feel the way you would expect to feel knowing your sleeping body is being caressed with a more gentle and caring touch than you might have ever known. i sleep without dreaming, i wake without knowing i've been asleep. - it's a beautiful day. blue sky, a crisp 20 degree's. we walk a few blocks and have breakfast. conversation again is easy, insightful, intelligent. after i leave, getting on a tram to the city to get dosed for the day, i feel all sorts of things i don't really understand. i still feel them, still don't understand. i'm sad for something, i don't know what. i'm happy too, my body feels so treasured, so beautiful, so cared for, i feel the way i felt after an hour massage then a sauna and spa treatment. but something about it is sad. i think it's around the "limitations", and the things i won't commit to text. 3:59 p.m. - 2015-09-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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