msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the junkie & the thief hmmmm opened this to write but not really sure what i have to say.... - since my body came out of some fucked up states post pregnancy and abortions etc etc a few years ago, my period generally comes with the full moon. i like that sort of synchronicity with things, it makes me feel large and whole and more than just a self. so it was a full moon the last couple days and today i am bleeding. the pull of the moon also brings out some ugly sides in me. jealousy, insecurity, apathy, self neglect. i had been fighting strong but something crept in to my head and where i had been guarded, i became lazy and gave into a silly desire to lose money and pin prick my veins, fill them with that which empties. so that's where i'm at tonight. empty, having to zoom my screens into 150%, head falling and resting on chest half the time, shivering but not feeling the cold, eyes heavy as headstones. i continue to be on the receiving end of the attention of this beautiful older man. gosh, he makes me feel good. in multiple ways (multiple times). we are cute. cute dates, chocolate left on my doorstep with some hand picked flowers, dinner cooked and brought over to my house in a basket. i enjoy him. but i worry it's now getting into.... there is a point where seeing someone with such frequency and intensity moves beyond just passion and excitement and desire and more logistical things come into play. i have been so wanting to just.... to just not bother with needing definitions, commitment, conversations about what we are doing, and so wanting to just roll with it and have it be this happy lovely easy thing for.... well, i would lke it to go on for a time. but naturally, moods occur, the full moon comes, expectations creep in, all sorts of things. this is just human behaviour i suppose, and to want to avoid it is unhealthy. and really in some ways....it's inaccurate to say those things weren't there before. there is such openness and vulnerability in our conversations, right from the beginning, that is such a big part of why this is what it is. i guess i just feel my inner ugliness has been showing itself and it scares me. time will tell. maybe that's all i have to say. maybe it's back to chasing some dragon for me tonight. until next time, dear diary, dear silent friend(s). i pray you all are well, you nameless and faceless parts of my heart xx 11:15 p.m. - 2015-06-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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