msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- makes for an interesting ride a beautiful and unexpected conversation with that keeper of my heart last night. gosh it brought up a lot, i guess best described in little silent tears that started while we spoke - not crying as such, just salt water spilling down my cheeks while i carry about our conversation - we try to hit truths, our views are so splintered - we cover months and years the only history we know together, so short but powerful and so much to still scab over, so many open sores on both of us. - he sounds more *clear* than i have heard in a while and that alone makes my heart sing, which is funny and hypocritical or something because i sound so dull and we spent a good 45 minutes discussing my being bitten, my growing habit, how devastating it was to see him be eaten by that again and to allow myself to be tasted and do the same to him. - it's true how we said that i have dropped off here, dropped off any other way i indulge in self expression because it just becomes unnecessary i wonder where DID all those hours go, i barely remember being at home this last few months but i have been here just so un-present. - today i had more silent tears just finding their way out of my eyes with me unwilling or rather unengaged - it is hot and i remember him and us on this day 2 years ago in hot air up north, with so much possibility and abandon, both completely committed to we didn't even know what - having spent in total maybe 24 hours together but locking in and signing up for what the other had to offer driving up the coast with beers in hands, still drunk from the night before, fresh from a shower together we don't remember and a trip to the ocean singing SO LOUD about not going home, not having a home, a ten tonne truck crashing into us - tonight, i'm going to meet a boy for a get to know you drink at the bar near my house then we plan on coming back here and i guess engaging in all manner of sexual adventure together. soulless completely, i will be a ghost - fitting for halloween. - in our conversation last night we discussed our sexual connections, our polarity in experience and need but how it was one of the highest and most beautiful, closest thing we shared. he needing a connection before he can engage in sex, me thinking sex WAS a connection and not knowing any better, the walls of mine that were broken down, the dismantling, disrobing, shredding of armour - how it broke me and then how i was built again in such beautiful glowing love. i don't know how my tears will handle my flesh being touched tonight. maybe i will just ask to be blindfolded and let them be soaked up. -- enough of that. tonight will be fun. 7:44 p.m. - 2014-10-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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