msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- is she good to you haa hmmmmm i woke up this morning - after a series of sleepy confusions about time, alarm clocks, a sick kitten to a stupid message and a beautiful day and no hangover. - these days just confuse and make me anxious - i know i SHOULD do something, i kind of want to do something - but what the fuck do i put my time into? not the first time having a day like this - i just wind up pouring a drink and sitting at computer/on balcony (on phone) for hours hours hours hours - i spoke to my sister and we talked a bit about our respective mental health('s?), our relationships with our parents, with ourselves, self worth, addiction, denial, existentialism , etc. - taked a bit about my lack of motivation to make things "better" for myself. as in.... this lack of direction/aimlessness that i feel on a sober saturday morning is quite representative of how i feel generally about life. a whole bunch of justifications, excuses some more valid than others so this unmotivated, anti-social, "i'm fine on my own" thing - has gotten more pronounced over last 2 weeks after 5 day H bender and then being back on subs everyday. of course i feel fucking fine just sitting and chilling on my own. it's pretty much #1 on list of effects you want from opiates. do i care? how do you make sense of something when you're in it - do i want to? i will when it matters etc etc etc this is not one of my finest entries, this is not an entry i care about, my thoughts don't feel poetic at the moment, i am literally just killing time. not even waiting for something. i guess just waiting until i go back to work so i have something to do with myself. i have a friend coming over later and maybe i will have some intimacy (emotional and/or physical) - that would be nice. - i'm on fire. 4:13 p.m. - 2014-08-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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