msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- dusty screens my housemate to me tonight... "but you don't really use chemicals these days right? and M, he's pretty well clean now too yeah?" sure. sure. SURE. thats some good stealth housemating we did. it's so, SO funny sometimes when you realise the people who see you every day just have no idea. - when you said i was flippant, or nonchalant or .... what did you say? how little i value my life. when you said that thing i'm not sure that's it. in these times, when i'm not actually praying for the strength to die, i REALLY value my life. and i think i also have an elect of trust - faith - that if those things don't kill me, this won't either. i guess maybe they are different sides of the same coin, toying and tempting with the idea on this one - feeling that i am too big and great for it, and the other it's opposite - it toying and tempting me, it being too big, too much, much better than me. - this is not my heart writing, this is my drunkenness writing because i don't want it to be monday and i don't want to have to shower and get into bed and deal with my whiskey and beer hangover tomorrow at my job which i guess i love, i guess loves me. - it is a good place though, wherever my heart is. all those things, busted bruised veins on my hands and breasts, burst blood vessel red eyes, pin point pupils they are real i guess, they are more real than i really care to know but really i'm not so bad i'm doing ok i don't feel even close to giving up, i feel like riding 10:53 p.m. - 2014-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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