msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- three legged dog i'm setting out these little goals for myself because my lifestyle is getting a little out of hand and i feel very unhealthy, physically and mentally. i signed up for a 30 day trial at a gym almost 2 weeks ago, i haven't been yet. honestly i doubt i'll go. my biggest hesitation is that for some reason, the hair dye never fully washes out of my hair so the water always runs black when i wet it - due to constant opiate shit in my system, i sweat like crazy at the slightest exertion - so i'm pretty sure if i exercise, i will start dripping black sweat all over my face. i don't want to do this in a fluro lit gym. there are other hesitations but that's the main one really. so anyway. i swing back and forth between thinking i'll have a MONTH OFF THE BOOZE, eat vegan before 6pm everyday, go running 5 times a week..... trying to swing to an extreme really, which is not realistic and just setting myself up for failure. my plan that i've formulated today is as follows: - try for THREE alcohol free days PER WEEK. that's it really. if i can do these things, i know it won't be long before i start feeling better in my head and body. today is my start day - i'm thinking if i put on my running gear and walk the 5kms round trip to my local shopping centre, and buy some weights there (walking home with them will be a bitch) will be a good start. i'm telling myself that's ALL i have to do today. i was planning on having a booze free day but i have just opened a beer so there goes that, for today. seriously, i've been awake for an hour. my drinking, my cravings to drink and my ability to fight them, are not at healthy levels at the moment. - i think baby steps are key here. and not getting angry/disheartened if i can't stick to this exactly. - living used to feel a lot easier. things like being able to fucking eat properly, used to be simple. it is such a struggle now, i don't know what happened and when i fell so far from being able to take care of myself. i guess i have been taking care of myself, in ways that felt necessary and important. taking care of certain needs. whatever. slowly, slowly, i will build healthy habits and nurture in myself the strong and healthy woman i know i can be. yeah woo. 12:31 p.m. - 2014-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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