msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- give up the ghost hosting and toasting to my demons today in a opiate and alcoholic haze. a combination of full moon, mercury retrograde, bleeding cunt, change in my work place (home), hangover from experiencing love and nice things... all things that fuck me up on their own. this is not a fully blown freak out. maybe it's more recognising my "triggers" and mindfully letting myself indulge and work through how i do, while keeping an eye on myself, from somewhere. - i spoke to my dad last night for the first time in a month or so. he shitted all over my talk about work, telling me that what i thought was good was probably bad. then talked about how he has finished another diploma, is moving forward and fighting hard against his (much younger than him, people my age) "superiors". his need for my praise and approval seems to eclipse mine for his. he was drunk, slurring his words. he has to be drunk to be able to call me. i am the same way i guess. ugh. - i'm good though. it feels nice to feel mostly warm and safe, tears sneak from the side of my eyes but i'm not aware of what causes them. it doesn't matter. - really torn between some idea's - idea's on what i think will help and heal me. solitude or giving and getting love. i guess i have both, can have both. it feels like everything falls short. awareness is cutting. awareness of your own failures, shortcomings, not good enoughness. - what a sad entry this is. it sounds sadder than i really am. 2:44 p.m. - 2014-06-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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