msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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noone has seen or heard from him since last wednesday

so as much as i'm feeling lightness and space in my heart or whatever

i went out last night and i guess people are just so droll and boring, everywhere and everyone just the same, we are all the same, there is no fire anywhere, fighting is futile...

maybe i just need to kill myself.

old thoughts, back to haunt.

silly, painful ones. i just keep trying to ignore.

-

besides that, earlier, i was inspired to write. write about a beautiful girls long and slender neck, the way she turned into the man sitting next to her when listening to this (sometimes good, sometimes quite bad) spoken poetry we were all seeing. the negative space between them formed a spade, like from a deck of cards, an ace of spades. i wanted to write about the shapes we make with people, how we form spades, hearts, diamonds, clubs - i wanted to write about how i will never have a long and slender neck, what shape does just one person make, how it is just one and then all negative space around? something about seeking out connection.

that's not right actually, everything from "how i will never have a long and slender neck" is a lie - i saw them as two different pieces, the writing. this second one about empowerment and self love, recognition of my own beauty and power.

i am trying to maintain this sense of air and freedom within, but it's true, i have no belief system, other than the belief in meaninglessness, futility, my tendency towards fatalistic thinking. human connection is the one thing worth living for. a lack of it is threatening, terrifying. i don't know myself, i am so often just mirroring other people as a means of expressing my self - i have no personality, i am a mirror, a vacuum.

i guess i am trying more to recognise and "love" this. to cultivate my own self, my own interests (besides self destruction which has always been my crux).

-

just got interrupted by a dear friend calling me to tell me she is moving to melbourne in a few weeks and suddenly life is worthing living for a little while longer (winky face emoticon)

9:08 p.m. - 2014-04-25

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