msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- u rock the mic but u ain't sayin nothin today in a "management meeting" - 7 people. 2 very recent additions to these roundtables, 5 men, myself and one other woman. when it was the new girls time to talk, my boss posed this question, before she started "you're not wearing make up today.. why?" - seriously. what is this world. i didn't even notice until he said it. i don't think he meant any harm by it but in a way that's even worse. i tire myself out with social justice think and this is not the space to talk about it, i honestly don't have the words for that that others do anyway i am killing time - i spent the day in heightened sensory awareness yet dulled presence, dulled ability. stuttered, soft words when I was called on in that meeting, he his holding me close and i wonder why. so strange at that coked up cocktail swigging night over the weekend to talk with them and realise i see it all like a fucking reality tv show, to hear someone commanding of me "don't trust him, don't trust him" - my questioning of his judgement made him question it too, but then my trust in him made me doubt myself, when i went straight to the source i think i hurt someone and even though we're playing this game with each others lives we're still really just people and when did i start buying so much into this?! if i was shown anything useful over the weekend, and i play it down but it was a large part - it is that people believe in me, have been impressed by me, are waiting to see what i do next, are inviting me to step up. i doubt my own abilities - rather, i doubt my training, i doubt my follow through, i doubt my experience. i know i'm intelligent, i know i have the RAW talent, just not the reformed stuff that we need just yet. it is hard to explain this to people. i feel so.......i feel like hiding away more after hearing their big words, after them building me up i feel so small. 7:14 p.m. - 2014-04-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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