msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - am suuuuuch a sucker for anniversaries. i get so caught up in the times i thought i was having, cashing in on memory chips, this is it, i have waited for an excuse to bathe in this - my dreams are all old bosses, old authority, mastubration, twerking/riding arm chairs, my memory is so strong i can remember scent and the sense of slipping, smallness, i remember every detail until i realise i put dates together, i'm a week off, my memory is false so so i fucked up the winding back of clocks so thoroughly i set my alarm for 3 hours early when really, if i got the fuck up right, i should have been an hour late? i still can't figure out which day it is that we collectively changed and i don't remember this change last year, i just remember empty space and bed and and skin but really just emptiness i met a woman tonight who reminded me that i's ok to just WRITE what you feel, to just write because you feel, that truth is money or valuable i'm drowning in memories and i can't figure it why. i every now and then half assedly flip coins just to see what they say though i don't give it much weight, i just as memories rise up around me i guess as i keep boiling i don't know what to believe, so much of my days these days is to just keep ticking to find satisfaction in my (menial, manual, mental) work, to put my mind to other tasks so i walk in there feeling fucked up and strung out on emotion and walk out feeling fucked up and strung out on numbers and meaninglessness and so scrambled by percentages and warped priorities and that i have no brain space left for anything else. sometimes i think i am psychic, i think i can feel really big things, things that mean something, i think i can feel people, or meaning, just something... but if i flip a coin and it tells me no, or i think i'm remembering so well and then i find out i'm getting dates wrong, or really, REALLY, every now and then i hit this harsh sharp reality that someone wouldn't think so nicely about me, that there is no reason to hold onto me, that i am just another scary and lonely person who people shy away from sometimes i see myself properly and i really hate it. it's scary and sickening. i cried last night telling myself i was worthy of love. 12:00 a.m. - 2014-04-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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