msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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shoot (for) the moon.

have spent the afternoon cleaning - doing laundry, vacuuming and mopping the kitchen and bathroom, organising my desk etc etc etc

and drinking booze and i gave in and had some subx because i just felt so shit this morning but knew i wanted to do all of this stuff.

i also did that little exercise this morning of writing out what i want in my life, what i value, the things that will shape *where i want to be in 12 months*.

a really huge part of "changing my story" is consciously being an author.

i know i need to stop fucking around with heroin. really. i got back to a place for a couple of weeks there where i think i was back on top of it and it was not going to be using anymore, whether it was actual gear, or subx or even just fucking otc codeine tabs. but the last few weeks that has gradually slipped again and i can start to see in myself that that inbetween time is just WAITING, notreally getting on with my life.

it has been floating in my head that it is not a thing that serves me in any way. however, that isn't really true. if i didn't feel it served me, i wouldn't keep doing it. what i gain from it now is obviously a reprieve from my head and heart, a way to see the world without the junk and filter of MY VIEW which i carry always, which is clouded by hurt and hope and longing and disappointment and resentment and not feeling like what i am and what i have is "enough" etc etc etc

it also feeds this undying yet undulating little miss self destruct that i've carried around for forever. i enjoy having bruises from missed shots, scabs and scratches from that damn opiate itch, getting wasted and then recovering gives my life purpose, even just for a day or three.

so maybe i need to change my thinking from "heroin isn't serving me" to "self destruction isn't serving me". i have made the decision now to stay and fight for a fulfilling life. i want to be here. i want life.

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so much of healing from addiction, substance abuse, destruction, is getting in to "one day at a time" thinking. i feel maybe for me, now, it's not the one day at a time that is important, it is the gaining of a larger picture, the further down the track thinking that needs to become important. if i can form a picture, however unrefined, of what i am fighting for and what i am working towards, what i am making money for, SAVING money for, the types of experiences i want, the types of days i actually want to have.. that is what will help me keep going without falling too hard again.

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for so long, my definition of a perfect day has been getting so royally fucked that i was NOT myself, was outside of myself, and then somewhere within that being able to truly feel "myself". love for me has been that, as in my experience of love has been trying to get outside of myself but really love always for me has been with someone who will get fucked up with me and that is how we can truly experience one another. i'm not coming across people anymore who share that same idea - i know it's not that they are not out there, i live with one, that life is just there if i want it but that is not the life that is readily presenting itself to me and i know this is because it's not currently what i want or need.

so i'm at this very fortunate place of needing to explore and discover, decide what it IS i want and need. what will make me *happy*. by which i mean, what will be the things that make me feel that life isn't pointless, that i am building an experience bank that i find valuable, that resonates with my core.

what do i need to do to make me feel the way i do on opiates. the way that has replaced things that came before it.

3:59 p.m. - 2014-03-10

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