msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - am using this weekend. i've been pretty good lately in that i've stopped taking suboxone every day. i haven't touched anything in 2 weeks since having just one shot the other weekend, and a few days on bupe before that. it's good, it's progress. and this weekend feels nice. i got enough for 3 doses, on tick until my payday next week. last night i had a slightly bigger than usual shot and i guess because my tolerance will be down/no bupe in my system, i got beautifully stoned. blurry vision, on the nod for a few hours. it always makes me..... laugh, i guess, that there are some really unpleasant effects as well that you just kind of ride with, or take as a good sign. insufferable itching, constant vomiting. funny. my veins are always hard to hit, other people struggle when they do it and i struggle even more, being quite inexperienced adding a whole new level of difficulty to the task. i fucked it up on my shot today, got about 75% of the shot in until i pulled back again and was no longer in the vein. so i dug around a bit but wound up really just skin popping it so now i have this huge fucking lump on my hand. makes effects quite different, took a while for me to feel stoned but it's definitely coming up slowly. it's a grey, coldish day. there is some really beautiful down tempo music for me to listen to. last night i sat watching short TED talks and then a bunch of spoken word video's, reading sad/interesting/insightful/touching articles from around the interwebs. i did that for about 6 hours. i didn't feel lonely, or sad, or worried, or anything. i didn't think. i was engaged with what i was experiencing, i felt present and grateful. it is so nice to have this occasional little reprieve. i don't feel at risk at the moment of continuing to use during the week, pretty sure that ship has sailed for now. interestingly though i guess, all that death thought the other night did certainly influence my decision to seek out some gear. but i'm not sure how true that is, as i know the cycle well of when it is so easy to get (every second weekend) so it's likely i would have sought it out even if i hadn't been freaked out by the shortness and unpredictability of life. - anyway. what a boring thing to have written. 1:03 p.m. - 2014-02-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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