msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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don't tell the driver

i broke my clean stretch.

i fucked up at work today, days after sitting with my boss and discussing how i have to pay more attention to detail, how my role is the role that cannot have mistakes, my promises to do better. i literally didn't even try. i possibly tried less than i usually try.

i don't know why.

i guess i was quite distracted? i'm not sure what by, godspeed you! black emperor maybe, my own reverie, same as it ever was.

i'm amazed after the fact, that it didn't even occur to me to try. that i literally DID NOT THINK. i feel he will pull me up on it, with due cause, and i honestly don't know what to say - i have no excuse, no reason, the simple plain truth i guess is.... i don't care? i've always managed to get away with so much shit that i am lazy and complacent and very self involved and really, this job is little more than a pay cheque for me, i do not have your passion.

anyway, i felt disgraced and horrible this afternoon, thinking about my laziness masquerading as apathy, trying to decide if i am terrible for that job or just simply terrible. in a fit of self..... something on the tram, i gave up and reached for my wallet in a swift move, to take out the sheet i have been keeping in there *just in case*. i stopped then, wallet in hand, released my grip, got off 8 stops early. i walked the rest of the way home, still listening to godspeed, it rained a little on me, my jeans don't fit, my hair won't stay in it's bobby pins, i feel terrible.

come home and i am all looking for distraction, i don't want to feel this way.... i have visitors coming tomorrow, to stay with me in my room until saturday. so i started cleaning. i decided to stop listening to such lulling, melancholic music.

feeling so down and knowing it was so real, not a sad heart over past heart ache, not imagined pain at some.....something, some thought, some old wound. this very real, concrete, "i am not good enough at this thing", i have failed, i am in trouble and i literally have no excuse or defense. i gave in and i'm not sure i feel bad about it.

it is in flashing neon lights, why it happened and what it is and i think that makes me feel something like........ if i at least have a little truth, real life truth, in my day.... this day was not a waste, this failure is not beating me.

recognition of one's own short comings is something to be admired? my need for praise, to be Good, to be commended, to be smart, to be something, to be loved...... i think is such a large part in so many of my vices and "bad" behaviours.

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the doing, undoing, redoing of "good" work seems to be one of life's greatest joys.

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(it feels nice to ramble freely. honestly, it is lovely to feel this way again.)

9:26 p.m. - 2014-02-03

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