msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- she only sang the dead bird songs and now i know em all some days. in many ways i'm stronger, sharper, "better" than I have been for awhile. tomorrow i'm 2 weeks off opiates so that's a thing. I guess it's been 9 months or something that it's dominated so much of my physical and mental space. coming off wasn't so bad. the physical stuff has almost totally gone, which almost feels strange.... to not feel sore OR stoned. i'm becoming aware of how dulled i have been these months, even my skin and my hair was dull, i look vibrant again. i am different. i am a bit bored and aimless today so it's tempting to get stoned again. having come this far, it seems such a waste to throw away these weeks, this vibrance, just to enjoy some peaceful nothingness for a while. i don't think i'll never shoot heroin again but well, it's better this way. - i had the start of a little breakdown a couple of weeks back. spent many hours re-evaluating my self, my life, the direction i was walking in, the story i keep telling myself about my history and my future, the habits of self harm i guess i still carry around and perpetuate with my inner monologue. got a little perplexed by my contradictory growing nihilism and anxiety about making wrong choices, not doing enough, not living enough. - i think over the last year or so i have learnt how to be honest in all new ways. learnt to listen to my thoughts, learnt to express and communicate more effectively. i have applied for a social sciences/psychology degree, i am waiting to hear back. hopefully i'll know this week. - i've spent some nights with a beautiful trans man and it's confronted my sexuality, not in the way i expected. i think i want new love but the truth is i am still very hurt and in love, i don't know how to shake it. i keep thinking i just need someone new to take my mind off it. that it is not real. but i'm not sure. it is painful though as there will be no joyful reunion. my therapist seems to be of the opinion that i do much better when i'm on my own, that being emotionally intimate with someone sends me spinning too hard and that's when i fall apart. rooted in god knows what from my childhood. i am too scared to get close to anyone at the moment anyway. what a bore. - i cry a lot. multiple times a day really. i am not so sad though. when i am scared or upset in bed i close my eyes and imagine some great being holding me and smoothing my hair. it is of great comfort to me. 12:57 p.m. - 2014-02-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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