msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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tuesday night, after therapy and cleaning

i think i am actually getting into that ridiculous cycle of getting to a certain point of feeling bad (it's usually about 3-4 days) and then i get so achy and sore and sweaty that i just give in and feel better again.

the range of things that i use is growing.

interesting.

i had therapy today and spoke about it and when hearing myself talk about it, about the last 3 weeks, i realised that this has become my pattern. i comfort myself by saying it's not as bad as it could be but really i shouldn't be so silly - everything starts somewhere and i know i should be facing these things now before they become much bigger.

-

i find it hard to be alive though and the weight of all of my future days (likely literally thousands of them) weigh heavy on me and i'm not so sure i can keep going.

but that ache, that sweat is one that i seem to get better and better at letting build for longer periods of time before i break down again. maybe i never will break again. maybe i'll just get better.

9:45 p.m. - 2013-12-03

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