msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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something other than regret

struggle street.

obviously no secret i have been struggling. my actions and reactions are getting a little ridiculous and erratic though. i am not in a good place.

it is becoming more difficult to believe i can get out of it.

however i have a job interview tomorrow for a job i would really like, that i know i would be great for. hopefully it works out. a job will change things.

-

i went to the doctors today and she gave me some cymbalta. she is a nice, young lady doctor probably not that much older than me. this actually really comforts me.

it was an impulsive move (most things are at the moment) triggered by my complete inability to think straight and be able to complete an assignment. thought it best to get things rolling so i can get a doctors note saying i am not in a good place to be studying.

i walked the 2.9km there in terrible shoes and socks with holes in them. i remembered after the first 700m that these shoes give me horrible blisters when walking for any extended period of time. by the time i got there, i was limping.

i trembled and cried very real tears. i talked about how this is a pretty normal way of life for me but i know at the moment my circumstances are lending themselves to feeding my monster and as it gets bigger, it becomes harder to complete the tasks that will assist me in *coping* and while i try to stay away from medications, maybe i could use some assistance.

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drugs, a certain drug, it's entrance to my life has stirred some things in me. it's terrifying.

i recognise the importance in, while i still have options, while it is still very much in my power to make these choices, i need to make "the right" choices and stay the fuck away from that drug.

it's not going to take me anywhere good, and i don't want to give my life over to it.

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it was interesting some of the things i said to the doctor today. surprised me, how genuine i was. just good to talk to someone removed maybe, someone who i felt would not judge me harshly, who would not misinterpret or misunderstand.

as low as i feel, i know i still have fight in me. i don't really know what i want from life, i don't know where i'm going, i don't know if i can finish this degree, i don't know if i can experience and give love, all of these things.... but i think i know i don't want to be what i have been. i don't want to leave here by being bailed out, i don't want to break down and need my family to pick up my pieces, i want to grow, i want to try.

i don't want to be so consumed to the point of complete destruction. i can be more than that. and really, i think i've used up all of my emergency assistance. if i don't do it this time, i may as well die.

6:29 p.m. - 2013-06-05

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