msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- wikipedia is heaven staying up late, drinking wine, just for the sake of staying up late and drinking wine. writing this right now because there is nothing i want to watch, i want to listen to nick cave, there is nothing i want to read, or look at, or even maybe think about. left with a beautiful all enveloping black goodnight. makes me want, lust, desire, long, pine, envy (the pillow your head rests and slumbers) but i am in some days of some zen mentality - i want to say it is laughable, laughable how quickly things change. a fine line between this and apathy perhaps. between "all things will be as they will be" and that being a comfort, or that being resignation. - need to be careful on nights like these, where i stay up late and drink wine just for the sake of staying up late and drinking wine be careful that i don't get too involved or indulgent there are plenty of dark places to go to on wine drunken late nights, generally when in solitude it's not the happy places one goes to. - so let's stick to the facts perhaps. today i had my ethics exam. there must have been at least 500 people sitting different exams in the one venue. we had 30 minutes reading time and considering that's probably the same amount of time i've given to the study materials in the last 8 weeks - it was much too long. it was a lot of time to practice more my zen state. i formulated my answers. i completed the paper in the same amount of time again and was perhaps the 3rd person to walk out of the venue. - tonight i watched a show that made me think about ethical dilemmas around social media, around the internet, the immediacy of it. i wish i'd watched it a month ago. months ago. maybe it would have sparked something i could have got marks for. - after the exam i went to spend some time with my lady friends down here. it is a strange animal, their relationship. i love spending time with them individually, but when they are together it is a chore to be near them. perhaps on their seventh or eighth attempt at breaking up, it is painful to watch their pandering to each other, to be privvy to both of their hearts desires and watching them both act against what they say they want. there is also the third wheel thing. i am there solely as their audience. they don't want to hear about my day. if they ask, it is only to have some other point of contact with each other, some thing to spark debate, some way to out do the other, or something else to draw them nearer, remind them why they would not want to be alone. i left, long before i intended to. i don't like feeling used like that, unappreciated, undervalued. perhaps i am too selfish. - i would prefer to be able to have actual conversations with them. separetely, yes. together, no. it makes me scared of love. - my housemates are comforting. genuine enquiry about my day and welfare, and in turn i have the same for them. perhaps our house is haunted by a long black haired lady who likes to scream. there are figures, people figures pealed from the paint above a heater in one of the bedrooms. they are beautiful, exquisite. - his/your beautiful white illuminated face against all pure black was so very beautiful it changed the whole tone of my night. 12:13 a.m. - 2013-05-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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