msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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love in the time of

oh dear.

what to say.

after some time on my mums farm - to chill, recuperate, reconnect, reconvene

we drove down the coast for the drones gig in brisbane. i am long necks in the car and so excited to be leaving the state the following day, to getting loose of these imaginary familial shackles of some level of responsibility and accountability.

i am jack daniels and coke once we reach our destination and by the time we head to the gig i am already almost in black out mode.

brown spirits and caffeine mixed with a love that sometimes gets strained and heated due to old habits with lovers, old behaviours and reactions sends me into dagger eyed unstable bitch mode.

half way through the gig, i drop to the ground. i don't know what happened.

next thing i think i remember is standing in a shops doorway crying and refusing to move, some panic taken over me, some drunken tantrum i am throwing.

i don't know what happened after but i'm sure it wasn't pretty and that i was not nice to be around.

wake up in the morning all violent suicidal thoughts and self loathing. we hit the road.

sometimes in the car we a re fine and sweet but then over small things one of us will snap and while we both scream, no one listens.

somewhere along the way we decide it's a good idea to get a gram of his vice once we hit his hometown.

-

my veins are initially quite co-operative, allowing me many hours of shivering and vomiting mixed with some feelings of general wellbeing and love, okayness, not sure i would say euphoria.

the next morning, a wake up shot and some beautiful hours in bed, drifting with eachother, holding and feeling eachother, soft and sensual sex, tongues exploring mouths and we are so in love.

go out at night to watch him play in a band. he is so sexy, and he is my boy. his friends are both wary of me yet welcoming, and i understand why.

coming home, still so in love and so excited to crawl back into our warm little world of heroin high love however my body has other plans. disappearing veins, coagulating blood and the risk of wasted drugs - becomes just a wasted boy and an upset me, in seperate rooms, fuming and exhausted.

on and on for a couple of days we go up and down. he does not sleep, continues to use, i try to be patient and kind but it is hard and he scares me sometimes.

we try to talk things out as best we can, when we can, when we are both ready. we are built on respect, communication, a desire to hear and be heard so thankfully, so far, we always come back to trying to work things out.

seems we still sit on some shaky ground and some thin ice and we fall through at a moments notice.

and the things that won't fix anything, won't get us anywhere - drugs and making love - are the things that allow this temporary heaven.

last night my veins finally co-operated again and we have beautiful hours floating together, beautiful soft sensual nakedness together that turns into guttural moans and bruises on my inner thighs, both of us panting and covered in blood.

-

today we continue down a similar track. there is too much money being spent, we are averaging a carton and a half of beer a day on top of whatever else but in so many ways i don't care, i just want him for a little while. i know real life is waiting - this is real life - i know a different life is waiting, this is not sustainable or healthy or good (but when it's good it's so damn good)

9:57 a.m. - 2013-04-18

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