msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it's passion it's not love, infatuation never ends up right, at least i won't be alone tonight kind of spent 24 hours arguing or something like it. - and i so offended him but what i just said on here - it was stupid, i should not have shared something like that and he questions if maybe i just wanted to hurt him and i don't think i did but i know tonight there are urges in me to hurt him in that way (i don't know what that is about) - we argued about my passing of my body over to someone else and how he thinks that is he has no right really to question me on this he the king of polyamory. such restrictions he places. - and so tonight (i know he would hate this) after we had a phone conversation - the last phone conversation - he says "take care", he says "i don't want you to talk to me", he says I was cruel and hateful and a message shows up on my phone "band starts in half an hour" and so i went. - and when talking today to heroin eyes (i still despise that as a nick name but it seems to carry through on here) he spoke of this thing with the soldier as being a relationship and I thought that was too strong a word but tonight the soldier said "I feel I am ruined for women for the rest of my life" "no one will ever be able to live up to this" "have breakfast with me" - all sorts of things. and i am surprised by the passion i find in his kiss. and i don't know him like that, nor do i want him like that - in a passion fuelled, heart felt way but it does seem to be progressing somehow. -- and when it comes to henry i just want to say that i have love for him in ways i've never known, never imagined - and i wish we could make eachother joyous all the time, and i wish we just lived in the same fucking STATE or town and that i do believe in us (kind of) but i guess life knows what it's doing. and he being king of that stuff. should understand. that even if our hearts were given free reign and we could let eachother be, and be together like that my body still has cravings to be left black and blue and if those needs can't be fulfilled in one place, i will have no qualms (i guess? maybe?) in getting them met someplace else. and he should be ok with that. - i guess i hope he knows how much i love him. so much that i feel it physically. and i guess i have faith in our love - whether that means a future or just recognising the GLORY in what we have already had. Either way. It's huge. 1:45 a.m. - 2013-03-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||