msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this is a sad fucking song skyping yesterday - a new hair cut that makes me melt but your heroin eyes and absence of smile break my heart. while we talk you come in and out. you touch my face through the screen, you stop mid sentence and try to kiss my lips - it blocks the camera so all I see is black. you want to go to sleep and never wake up. when i try to get an answer out of you, about what to do, what you think is a good idea, your synapses fire in that way again that makes me lose you for awhile, you lie down and vague out, from this angle I see your eyes roll back into your beautiful head. this is heart breaking. - i need to step away i think. i can't save you. it is so confronting to see someone else struggle so much with the desire for complete self destruction. - in some moments i just want to run and drown with you. in both of us i think it is the tendency toward darkness yet also the tendency to hope and fight that i think is some part of our attraction in each other. my logical and realistic side knows that this will never end well. it is pointless, it is indulgent to continue down any road together. there will be no happily ever after for us, this is going nowhere, there is so much heartache and pain and relapse as a result of us parting ways, of our inevitable withdrawals - although there is real joy, love, connectedness, hope, growth... all these beautiful things while we are together. - i don't know. i don't know what to do. i don't want to lose that. but it feels terrifying and dangerous. 9:25 a.m. - 2013-02-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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