msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I love you like a violin, I'll hunt you like an amputee, But I ain't gonna lose my skin, I would love to see you again "looking like i'm lost in thought but i'm looking for you" - things got so dark and lost last time it's as though i'm avoiding listening to my heart at all costs. sitting on the back steps of that hotel, a little after midnight, a little drunk after a night in the valley you cursed me for being afraid of love, for holding back. said you made a point of not falling like that but maybe now you'd let yourself go. i am so full of fear. why love a fleeting thing, why love a vagrant, why love an eagle. why love anything. - i don't practice self destruction as much these days. i'm almost 40 days sober (MOSTLY sober), rarely see dark mornings come, awake at the latest by 6 - always 5 something - :00, :23, :45 sympathetic awakening. your eyes open and rest on mine, my lids rise and i meet your gaze seconds later. i wonder if this still somehow happens when we are not together. - i seem to be living constantly in fear of my emotions. last week it was fear of joy, of intimacy, of pouring myself too much into you - was it in response to you, were you not open either? you challenge me to express myself honestly and completely, you seem hurt when i will not share my thoughts i have always been shut down though, told i am too much - that one who took all my gold and left me with nothing for you. this week i am in fear of sadness and loss, or maybe of hope and possibility. i am always scared of getting hurt, of getting lost and overwhelmed in read world experiences. - so i am shutting this down and myself off to you. it is a pointless connection, over multiple state lines, travelling down a highway with no fixed destination and other beautiful women, connections and shapes waiting to be formed by and with you. 7:15 a.m. - 2012-12-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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