msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i woke up alone I had a semi severe breakdown - drank for days, wound up in hospital twice, screamed in the waiting room "HELP HELP HELP ME PLEASE" a shot in the arm, sedated but not sleeping, was already full of amphetamines. a night in the psych ward, tried to get into detox, no beds, 5 hours on a bus with my arm in a bandage and blood all over my skirt. one week later i moved away. settling in i guess. beach lifestyle, under my sisters watchful gaze. all through this a longing for that beautiful man. sent him some mix cds that maybe made him fall in love with me. he drove 2000kms in 2 days to be by my side, arranged a place out in the mountains not far from me. we had the weekend together, mostly sober. plans for this week. then on Monday he leaves again. who knows where to or what will happen from there. - when we are together it feels like we are both on ecstacy all the time. complete openness, so many "i feel" statements, touching, electricity running through our fingertips and hips. i love his hair and his smell, his mind, the way he feels next to me, the way we explore eachothers favourite things, hungry to know more, to understand, to become part of. - i am 29 days sober today - one little blow out after an AA meeting (i am never going back) and an odd drink here and there over the weekend with the lovely man. i feel in control though. it is a brief hiatus, i don't know what will happen when I hit the city mid next year. i am going to counselling, uncovering all the dark secrets and trauma's of my childhood in the town that they happened in - perfect perhaps. - i am hiding away for christmas and new years. i will sit alone, maybe go to the beach, pretend it is not happening. masturbate, drink non-alchoolic beer and eat prawns. 7:33 a.m. - 2012-12-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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