msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- exactly one so... drunk enough that cutting seems like a good option... but it's not. really... let's go into this... - i guess it freaked me out that that person said i had no other options besides years of therapy if i was going to keep drinking. really, i probably need(ed) to hear that...there are still options if i'm drinking. that someone still cares what i'm saying. that i am still a person, even if i'm drunk. it freaked me out that she said that something must have happened. what if it wasn't a singular trauma? what if it was a cumulative thing"? a series of events, that were semi traumatic? does that fit into the blurb? does it matter if i'm outside of that? what happens then? - it all feels so unreal now, such like a beautiful dream but not, because i know how real it was... like this is the dream, and that was my waking life... and a knowledge of nostalgia lets me know that those thoughts aren't true i am nowhere now, i was nowhere then and i'll be nowhere again. - i just so quickly stepped out of that. maybe that is the trauma, maybe that is why it's brought up again being ripped out of one place and into another. - everything is just going through the motions, i want to cut right now. i don't want to write that because....it's stupid. i'm drunk. i won't feel like that tomorrow. i want to do it because i'm lonely. because blood will give me comfort and reason. but this new me isn't that 16 year old, the new me doesn't know when to stop but know when she needs help? i've probably had about....11 beers and a couple of glasses of wine. drunkenness. damn. - sex would make it better because there would be someone here. distraction. that is what it's all about. another person giving a reason... gah, that's a textbook trait?? so demeaning - people get mad at me about wearing fur coats. you really give a fuck? be nicer to that person sitting across from you who has no one to talk. - ? 11:27 p.m. - 2012-03-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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