msjessica's diary

msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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sometimes i wonder if people can tell just by looking in my eyes that i am lost.

i realised that it's easier

to count the days, the last two

three..four? months

that i haven't had anything to drink.

than it is to count the days where

i have.

sometimes i look in the mirror, and i think

i must be the most beautiful thing i have ever seen.

and then sometimes

the most hideous, despicable, weird looking person to ever grace the earth.

i may be ugly but of course, i am not. that ugly. giving myself too much credit.

sometimes i look in the mirror, and i think about how much i drink and whether or not i'm 'pretty' and what is it that makes a person pretty and i think about

music

and i

constantly feel like life has SO much to offer and i just

don't look twice at it.

i look in the mirror, and i recite these things to myself and i...i always do it in some strange pommy, cockney accent and i laugh at the fact that i talk to myself and i

i wonder why it is that

i get so scared

everytime i walk out the door. everytime i have to

put clothes on, try and express myself in a way that

thats kind of false

try and

express

who i am

through, clothes, and make up, and first impressions and that nose ring and those scars that no one even notices anymore because they've faded so much and i

i know i'm never going to know how other people percieve me and i have such a fear of being misjudged

like i always am

and

this fear just paralyses me but it's such a part of everyday life, it's

what people need to do, everyday, is express themselves like this

to just not think of it like that

that clothes and hair and facial features and body shape and smells and eye colour and

whatever else

that none of it matters.

i can't

comprehend that and

it paralyses me.