msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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i love jesus but gee i learn a lot from satan

i'm not really sure where i want to put this.

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i feel heavy.

involuntarily hardened like soft skin turned to scar tissue.

i don't feel like (i know) myself.

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i feel i feel i feel

i am very pointedly not feeling

i mean i'm waking up and crying and losing hours staring at nothing

and i must feel something then

i spoke to a friend last night about meditation, about the losing of self, and i realised today, after losing some time, that non-blinking time, that looking but not seeing time and thoughts 'flowing like leaves down a stream'

i have in a way the passiveness down, the emptiness, the viewing self

but that which i'm viewing i

well we spoke about detachment, or rather the removal or lack of attachment....... stalling...

i feel detached....when i drop back into being attached, when i blink, i ache, and i sob.

i don't believe what i feel in those detached moments is the same thing as the lack of attachment that comes from the dissolution of the self.

i am not sure i am even close to being there.

maybe i am closer than i think, but just coming in at it from the backside in - i am running so far from being in my self that i run into that kind of non-attachment on the way out.

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i am incredibly malleable, as in i am still a baby mind, my formative years not yielding anything solid or substantial, this sustained adolescence, my lack of father figure imprint is so painfully apparent in my seeking of validation from anything with testosterone, and my personality acting like a virus feeding off a host, only viable when one is available to tell it how to be, what to do, what it is, a definition reliant on context.

how do i explain this to my therapist?

beside this is my self worth which apparently is, over a rocky path and contrary to my own belief but apparent in my actions, consistently growing at a rate i can't control - speak of lack of self, i am experiencing this detached, and on some level must feel this, but currently i can only recognise it as a voyeur.

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writing this now, i... i have thought recently i am falling back into ~depression~

i felt i developed a tolerance to my medication, i started reducing it, i started this therapy.... listening to these words i can see something has a hold on my brain that skews my perception and alienates me from myself and my experiences. i am almost sure it's a defense mechanism, this seperation.

i was having those physical pain dreams and as soon as there was an opportunity to delve into where they came from, i stepped further away - the dreams stopped too, but i know it's not because the pain went away, but my ability or willingness to feel it shrunk.

i don't think i can do that work in my current situation. i don't have the support.

my mums cancer... over the next 3 weeks i need to refresh my driving skills, as i feel what will happen (which was confirmed when i brought it up with her last night) is that i will need to go and spend at least a couple of weeks up north, being of assistance and just plain being there. i am almost looking forward to it because i am so desperately wanting love, connection, care. and i know i need..... to (re)connect with... rawness and purity, being of service, escaping ego

feeling how i do lately i am so empty and such a void honestly the only thing i really care about is her

moments i realise i will never have a daughter do that for me.

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... had to edit to note: i just read on 27/2 i wrote "....and i'm losing her - not to cancer or anything like that" HA HA ugh

12:49 a.m. - 2016-05-01

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