msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- you might as well live i've been having these dreams where i feel physical pain. on and off for the last couple of months. mostly it is the sensation of somebody sticking two fingers in, right in underneath my ribs. it's excruciating. i writhe and open my mouth, try to scream but i can't let out a sound, try to fight back but the pain is so acute all i can really do is tense and gasp. it is often coupled with feelings of lucidity - it has become so common, and i've recognised that this isn't a feeling i can recreate when waking, so when it's happening, i KNOW i'm dreaming but that doesn't really help me much. it is so overwhelming that it sort of paralyses my psyche - i wrestle with it, i wrestle with trying to wake myself up to get out of it, trying to change the circumstance but it is so powerful. they're the kind of dreams that i'll wake up from and fall back into over and over for a few hours, so that when i wake up i try desperately to stay awake because i'm so scared of falling back into it, but it is that sleep like quicksand, i guess i am waking up right in the middle of REM and therefore not REALLY waking up, which explains the paralysis.... i mentioned it to my psychologist last session because he does dream analysis - i don't know how sold i am on Freud's dream theories but i'm still very interested in what an interpretation of this could be. psychologist said that in my next session, if i am still interested, we can do some free association work, starting with the rib pain, and work our way down to something that might make sense ie. something sitting in my subconcious that is causing this very tangible pain. my first gut reaction to this idea was fear - i've always sort of had this loose idea of possible trauma from when i was very young, my sister and i have spoken about it sometimes when we're both high.... i guess i've always thought of it as an abstract, non-personal thing. the idea of that being a real thing and coming to the surface around 5pm on 21/04/2016 isn't.... well it doesn't really appeal to me. i don't feel ready. that's hypothetical though i guess. but to be honest, that hypothetical fear will maybe keep me from doing that free association excercise. because i won't/couldn't be free when i'm this scared of what it could uncover. so i guess i'm stuck with the fucked up dreams until then? - the therapy so far has been really positive. it has a real structure to it, which i respond to very well, so far we have been talking about different types of pain - the loneliness and despair type of pain that comes from our needs not being met, next we will start talking about inadequacies and how to identify and accept/confront them.... i don't know what the third is, i imagine it is situational. - being able to discuss things in this structured and somewhat unemotional way has, i think, been quite powerful for me. it has taken some of the sting away. i feel validated, in a way, which is incredibly powerful in itself. in 5 area's of need, i currently rate at 14/100. this is of course on a level assuming i have basic food, water, shelter etc needs covered - and honestly, any time i start writing about this it brings very sharply into focus how incredibly fortunate i am to even have those things covered off. hierarchical needs and all that. ugh. so from 14, my therapist and i decided we will try and work me up to a 56. the type of therapy is "psycho-dynamic therapy" and essentially it means we look at these 5 area's of needs (family, friends, employment, other ie. hobbies, interests, things that bring joy, and connection) and establish plans of action as to how i can *level up* in each area. it is pro-active, structured, and self-driven and, as i said, so far i am responding well to it and it feels like a good fit for me. he's very "user friendly" in the sense that he keeps telling me he really doesn't care or need to know if i'm using or drinking or whatever, he is focusing on those area's alone, the theory being that if my pain is addressed and reduced, the substance use/self destructive behaviours will take care of themselves. it makes sense to me. he has also said therapy might get hard. it's potentially pre-emptively putting yourself through a 9.5/10 on the pain scale to avoid the 10/10 that a full blown meltdown entails. time will tell. - other things i thought while deciding to come and write were..... about detachment and alienation and loneliness. but whatever. 11:58 p.m. - 2016-04-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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