msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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loneliness and isolation pt1 where i do not feel

gosh, life is just so funny. and by funny i mean fucked up? but great.

pain. pain pain pain is so much of what is on my mind and in my conversations lately.

and what's so funny and fucked up about that is that, i mean come on - i think my life is pain? i smoke and drink and work in a management job where i don't actually manage people (just numbers) and i can take breaks whenever i want, i am not tied to a super strict schedule, i can wear whatever i like, my body is as able as could be (for now), i have not experienced the death of a close friend or family member.... and i talk about pain all the fucking time.

-

i'm back in therapy.

my therapist tells me the worst pain that a human being can feel is that of loneliness and isolation.

and to be honest, i have believed him, and i have LOVED this sentiment, it has been SO validating and comforting, I've felt really happy with this idea. Right until i sat down just now to start to write. YES, loneliness and isolation is very painful. But fuck, i have all that up there. Not to mention my super comfortable room that i'm sitting typing this on, typing it on my second computer (which is only one of 5 devices I used on a daily basis), in a country where i've never (well, until recently, and even only in a very abstract way) felt scared for not just my safety but that of my city / country.

so, ok. i've been here before. arguing with myself about pain being relative, but i guess the real base of that statement, that "the worst kind of pain a human can feel" statement is a sweeping, 'universal' stroke.

i could talk myself into a hole here.

i'm going to file this as one entry, and what i came here to say can live/be written separately.

12:36 a.m. - 2016-04-02

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