msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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thud thud my heart pumps blood

i miss men, desperately.

miss intimacy, closeness, the sensation of smallness and surrender, the wetness of my thighs, anticipation, the feeling of the bristley hair surrounding a gasping mouth running the side of my neck.

the feeling of my hand on a hard, strong, wire covered chest, nails trailing down to a protusion of a belly, tracing hip indents, the beautiful V directing to a cock, moans, the power/the vulnerability that allows for such a simple gesture to result in a head thrown back, eyes closed, unspoken consent, more than that, unspoken begging.

the reversal of that often being a lone finger tracing patterns on my thighs, making it hard to speak or breathe with normalcy; awareness, to self conciousness, to desperation regarding the wet spot pooling underneath me, the pushing of hips, licking of lips, the please DO please DON'T stop yet though, rushing cacophony of want.

i miss biting and bitten lips, steamy summer afternoons slipping away as we sweat into one another until the sun sets, the salty smell of a mans sweat, the sweetness of it, the taste of healthy semen.

the smell on my skin of them, the smell in my hair, on my sheets, my clothes. the way music becomes more significant. eating together, deciding where to eat, and what, and watching one another as we do.

i miss the excitement of a lover, old or new, i miss the comfortability, i miss knowing exactly what his car sounds like and getting butterflies at the sound of it's door closing and footsteps wandering up my path.

private jokes, a stolen ass grab in the throng of a crowd, hands on thighs while driving, kisses at traffic lights, kisses on my breasts, being unzipped, savoured, teased, rewarded, rewarding. simultaneous orgasms.

the...... sometimes loving gesture of being wiped clean, sometimes it's funny, sometimes its like... usually after a quick and desperate fuck, the lightness that comes after it, after that is finally done with so then you can get to 'hello, how are you, god i missed you!'.

i miss this, desperately. my cunt aches but it's more than that, my fingers tingle, my thighs WANT to shake, my chest, my skin all over buzzes with want.

-

i could contact the machine gun but he would not satisfy, i don't want the drugs that go along with it. it is painfully obvious, even from my go-to fantasies here not being fantasies at all but recollections, i am desperate in my mind for my most recent lover, that fucking italian. i wish it were possible to have A NIGHT, dull this ache, have me scream the house down coming 5 times and then.... just go back to life.

he would say he was intimidated by my (or any) vibrator. this made me laugh and say it is a "poor substitute" and FUCK ME, it's true it's true it's true!

7:46 p.m. - 2016-03-12

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