msjessica's Diaryland Diary

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a certain time, a certain place

my beautiful black heart of a man is one year and one month clean and tonight we looked one another in the eye again, over 6,000 kilometres between us and some things are so different and some things are so the same (the curtains and his background feel familiar though they shouldn't, he has been in this room, he knows it, he saw me almost die here.).

the longer CLEANNESS is around, the less he is black and the more gold shines through. i love him. i love him like i love my friends, my family, like any friend. maybe thats enough. but there is in me some part where we never ended.

the thought of us without heroin.

i know i could fall back in love with just the slightest hint of his smell, but when i think of his touch it is a little tainted, yes there is the beauty of before but my strongest memory is in a parked car being high, a spontaneous orgasm brought on in broad daylight parked by a waterfront, his fingers drawing pure bliss out of me, i have never been so happy or so free as in those days with him. he has seen me at my purest. that is undeniable.

since i got my computer back, i hardly sit at it, it is just a very expensive TV most of the time.

tonight, this video call, sitting here now afterwards, i see why i've shied away from it, there's a lot of pain here. i wept at your feet so many times. maybe it's the feeling that i am just a mirror, that i seek myself out in others, lately all i see is me in my mother and how she is drowning, i am not there anymore, i am a vampire, i am a vampire, i am a camp fire, please fall into me, please feel my light, please nourish from me, get warmth from me, please build me from sticks and other kindling, please long for me all day and stoke me all night, i will warm you as long as you tend to me, i will watch you sleep for only so long, i will appear invisible once day breaks but i could still burn you. i am dependant but i am also deathly if left unattended. i am the trail of blackened pits you leave behind, a space marked for others to claim as their own.

10:47 p.m. - 2016-02-16

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