msjessica's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and he'll say that i'm wrong, and be right all along you are of great distraction to me today. it is a windy day, but hot. heat and this time of year, the coming months, some years on your memory still burns brightly in my heart and head just now i was remembering flying south to you on a whim, on a few hours notice, being picked up from the airport, taking the first available turn off, walking into some sand dunes, having my jeans pushed down and making hurried love in broad daylight on black sand. but on this day, a few years ago, just a week after having first met you, thinking i may never see you again, when i had given up, you showed up at my door - dirty, shaking, to share a cigarette and your plans of heading north. coincidentally, we would be around the same place at the same time - in about 2 weeks, we made loose plans to connect again then. i feel like i changed the day that i met you. i have always felt this way. i knew you were important after that very first night, and i have gotten better at living with it but my love for you has not waned very much. - last night, yesterday, i was..... fragile. vulnerable. i had some sort of self inflicted brain snap on thursday night, pushing my drunken mind to it's very darkest depths, pulling up black muck of my past, my childhood, suppressed memories, subconcious. i was left with a nasty hangover, splitting headache, violent vomiting, and even after that passed, the following day i just felt.... raw. sitting on my front step, wondering at the moon, trying to comfort myself, hot tears had been threatening behind my eyes for hours, you call. it's hard not to cry when i say hello. i want to fall into you. you know me, know parts of me that no one else has come close to. you know parts of me that i forgot, until we met, parts that i had tucked away after they were shunned time and time again by people who could not comprehend. you have these parts too. we do this often, call one another at just the right time. god, that comforts me. makes a believer of something out of me. as we talk, you hear my voice change, you tell me i am coming good, you tell me i will be ok. i'm not sure if it's that you're mumbling, or that your new phone is just shit but you sound muffled, and it's so frustrating. i love your words, i love the way you think, some times you are more open than others (as we all are), but tonight you are open but i can hardly hear you and fuck, it breaks my heart, i hate wasting your words. you talk about how today you turned the inside of your car upside down looking for the last memory stick full of songs i sent you, how much you crave that music, you call me by my nickname. thinking of you listening to those songs, even just thinking of you WANTING to listen to those songs pushes into my heart. i will send you more. i always send you songs. wrapped up in a silk scarf that i rub against my cunt, under my arm pits, and spray with my perfume. the first night we met, we didn't have sex, we hardly even kissed, but we stood on my balcony at 5am and just INHALED one anothers scent. like animals. with passion and ferocity, mouths wide open, gulping in one anothers smells. since then, smelling a mans armpit during sex is almost certain to make me come. at first the songs were playlists, i would tell you stories, i would talk about us, or my past, or how i viewed you. then how i was angry at you, how i missed you, resented you, pined for you. you did not miss a beat, i could slip nothing by you, you pick up on everything. it's different now. i send you albums, things that you want and need because you are on the road, things i want to share with you, sometimes i want to paint you a picture or write a letter with the collection, give you a true idea of where i'm at, and enjoy knowing that you will find yourself somewhere in there too, same ingedients, different measurements. - over the coming weeks, i'm sure you will continue to distract. what i love most is that i know i still distract you too, i know you remember it all too. driving 15 straight hours just to be by my side, all sanity, all common sense completely eclipsed. until of course something even more powerful comes back into your line of sight, and then eventually into mine. and that ruins everything. and we are still trying to move on from it. some say it will never go away, maybe it will kill us eventually, if it doesn't drive us mad. i'm sure, in the week after my birthday i will remember the lowest state i've been in. days and days of being a beast, i don't know if i was exorcising demons or giving into them. whatever it was, it was necessary, it changed my trajectory, and it would not have been possible without you pulling into me and ripping all my blackness out to sit in the sun, to rot, to dehydrate. and before that, i will remember the days of stillness, of travelling with you, days of near silence and nights full of sharing, verbally, non-verbally. the silences were what really made us though, i think. the knowing that we didn't have to talk to get to know one another. i have written our story over and over again. i doubt this will be the last time. it's still going though. a tiny part of me thinks.... thinks maybe there is much, much more to come. you said to me two weeks ago that i am so SOLID and i replay it in my head. it's true, when it comes to you. - you might be here soon. in december. it's an expensive trip, which never stopped us before. it would be the first time, in a long time, that we would meet and not have our mistress in the room with us. at least i hope so. i'm not sure i'm done with her completely, but i don't want her in our story any more. 2:18 p.m. - 2015-10-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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